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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:58:34 GMT -6
NOTHING VENTURED
It wasn't there yesterday.
That box in the corner of the room.
It's certainly eye-catching. Black lacquer with antique bronze embellishments. A sign on the top reads: "DO NOT OPEN." I wonder why people use such labels. Only makes it more alluring with a desire to find out what's inside.
There's no hasp. No padlock. No need to search for a key. Simply lift the lid. How tempting is that? Nobody would know if I just took a quick peek.
I press my ear to the door. Can't hear anyone coming this way, but I can now make out muffled twitterings originating from the box.
The one in the corner that wasn't there yesterday.
Maybe something has been confined within. A small bird perhaps. But who would be so heartless as to deprive an innocent creature of its freedom? It would surely be considered a good deed to release it. Give it the opportunity to spread its wings and fly.
The twittering grows ever louder. An urgent plea for liberty no doubt.
The wood is warm to the touch. Inviting. Seductive.
And really, what's the worse that could happen?
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 20, 2021 16:14:36 GMT -6
Technical 'Worse' should be 'worst.' There are a whole lot of sentence fragments and I know it's stylistic, but personally I feel they're kind of choppy and maybe aren't all justified. Some could easily be full sentences, for example "There's no hasp, no padlock."
This sentence is kind of awkwardly worded, the "alluring with a desire." It might give her a desire to find out what's inside, but the way it's worded it's like the box has the desire.
For the reader, knowing about the myth is kind of key here to understand why this box is so significant, but I figure most people in the West do.
4
Artistic I read this excerpt as having a darkly playful tone which I thought was well done. Pandora, I assume, is given a nice characterization, curious and innocent despite what she's considering doing. She bounces around from mischievously wanting to know if she can get away with a little peek to worrying in a caring way whether a bird is trapped inside. A lot about her character and motivation is revealed in her thoughts. I can see her trying to justify her decision to herself.
Little choices go a long way here to give nuance to her motives. Like, I can tell she's more driven by curiosity than the plight of the possible bird— she does care about it, but perhaps because she's unsure about whether it's really there, the bird seems to be more of a justification for opening the box than a direct reason, since she still describes the prospect of opening the box as "seductive." It's well done that way.
I would've liked to see more background; we get she wants to know what's in the box, but we don't have much context. The box just showed up in her house; is she surprised or confused or anything like that? Is she aware that a god put it there, if that's what happens in this version? She listens for footsteps, but how many people does she live with? There's emphasis placed on the fact the box wasn't there yesterday; it's mentioned twice, each time getting its own paragraph, but it's not clear why this fact is such a big deal. Is the box just more enticing because it's new, or is it suspicious to her because it wasn't there before and she was never told about it? If Pandora has suspicions about the box she opens, that changes the meaning of things a fair amount.
3
Prompt Definitely. It retells a myth.
5
Score: 4
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 22, 2021 16:44:54 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
Very cleanly written! From beginning to end its tight, enticing, and consistent in tone. I don't see anything amiss except for the one word at the end that needed changing but honestly that's not enough for me to dock points. I like the structure of the sentences, they're very natural and flow like an interior monologue. When the POV is tight like this, sentences can be clipped and short. They can start and stop in places that might not be seen in a third-person distant narrative voice. I appreciate this style. I can also get a sense of time period by the words used and the phrasing. Nicely done.
5
Artistic Elements:
There isn't much for me to critique here because it's a wonderfully crafted piece. The innocence and then justification of her curiosity is so relatable, this is what all people do when they want to do something they vaguely know they shouldn't. I know there's a word limit constraint, so if you expand this (which I hope you do) I'd love to be given a sense of space (where is this happening? Which room specifically?) and I'd like to see here speculating as to where is came from/who left it. I feel like she's an older child. Maybe because I have a 7 year old, but this feels VERY much like her. We assume from the myth that Pandora was an adult, but what if she was a child? Give a whole new sense of clarity of the story. Makes us sympathize with her more. I don't know if that was your intention, but it works for me. Even though the thought process and words used feel sophisticated, it's also a different time period. I assume.
My only nit-pick is about the line in the middle. With the word limit, I feel like those precious words could be used in a better way. Take out that line, give her a brief moment of speculation about how the box might've came to be in this room (or some setting details) and BAM. Perfection.
4.5
Prompt:
Pandora! That fits the mythical requirement. And this hooked me immediately. I wanted to read on, to see if she does open it. And the last line is the clincher. What harm could it do? LOVE.
Just realized that the innocent tone is actually spot on, having her not suspicious at all because she lives in a utopia. Why would she be suspicious? She's never had a reason to be in her entire life. The only bad things in the world live in that box.
5
TOTAL:
14/3=
4.6
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 24, 2021 12:58:14 GMT -6
NOTHING VENTUREDIt wasn't there yesterday. That box in the corner of the room. It's certainly eye-catching. Black lacquer with antique bronze embellishments. A sign on the top reads: "DO NOT OPEN." I wonder why people use such labels. Only makes it more alluring with a desire to find out what's inside. There's no hasp. No padlock. No need to search for a key. Simply lift the lid. How tempting is that? Nobody would know if I just took a quick peek. I press my ear to the door. Can't hear anyone coming this way, but I can now make out muffled twitterings originating from the box. The one in the corner that wasn't there yesterday.Maybe something has been confined within. A small bird perhaps. But who would be so heartless as to deprive an innocent creature of its freedom? It would surely be considered a good deed to release it. Give it the opportunity to spread its wings and fly. The twittering grows ever louder. An urgent plea for liberty (,) no doubt. The wood is warm to the touch. Inviting. Seductive. And really, what's the worse that could happen? : 4.7 Hook: Those first two lines are so effective. Skin prickling. And then, of course, the final line dares a reader to not turn the page. SPaG: looks gorgeous to me. I added the one comma, though these days, it seems, those kinds of things are being omitted. But IMO, that's an artistic choice rather than a technical one. Artistic: 4 Character: We don't even need to be told who this character is. The author relies on the reader's knowledge of this Western myth. The context is clear and relatable. Originality: That said, the take on the Pandora tale is so traditional that I wonder what direction the story could take that's fresh and intriguing. Once a reader realizes who they're reading about, is there a need to keep reading to find out what happens? Repetition: Yes, repetition can be useful in increasing tension and dread. I just don't see the need for it here, so I suggest deleting the repeated line. Imagery: this excerpt uses strong words well to achieve much in a short space. Especially with sound. I never thought of bird-like twittering as disturbing before, but this piece manages to achieve it. Prompt: 5 Ah, Pandora. You poor ill-fated girl. POV nice and tight, so well focused in her experience that we never read her name, which is all the more believable. Total: 4.57 |
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 25, 2021 5:25:18 GMT -6
NOTHING VENTUREDIt wasn't there yesterday. That box in the corner of the room. I'm listening  Curious. It's certainly eye-catching. Black lacquer with antique bronze embellishments. A sign on the top reads: "DO NOT OPEN." I wonder why people use such labels. Only makes it more alluring with a desire to find out what's inside. Maybe split this into two sentences. Alluring with a desire reads kind of awkward. Seems like the box has the desire.There's no hasp. No padlock. No need to search for a key. Simply lift the lid. How tempting is that? Nobody would know if I just took a quick peek. Love. Great use of thoughts here. I'm totally in this character's head. Feeling what they feel. I'm tempted, too. I press my ear to the door. Can't hear anyone coming this way, but I can now make out muffled twitterings originating from the box. This line isn't as effective. Give us these muffled twitterings. Maybe have the box appear to jump or something to draw the attention. You're just telling us these twitterings exist. Show us.The one in the corner that wasn't there yesterday. Great use of repetition for effect. Up the stakes. Remind us how weird this is.Maybe something has been confined within. A small bird perhaps. But who would be so heartless as to deprive an innocent creature of its freedom? It would surely be considered a good deed to release it. Give it the opportunity to spread its wings and fly. The twittering grows ever louder. An urgent plea for liberty no doubt. The wood is warm to the touch. Inviting. Seductive. And really, what's the worse that could happen? Nicely done!
Technical: 5 I don't give many 5's. Super effective use of varying sentence structure to create dramatic effect and tension.
Artistic: 3.5 We are in a completely nondescript place with a nondescript character. No sense of time or setting. I do think you've beautifully captured Pandora's curiosity. This is exactly how I picture the inside of her head. However, I'm seeing nothing else from her. Prompt: 5 Beautifully done. Maybe the most effective use of the prompt that I've seen so far. Overall: 4.5 |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 7:06:28 GMT -6
Technical: 4
Good use of train of thought. We don't usually think in full sentences, and writing like this can help show you're in someone's mind, in deep POV. However, you do need to be careful with it. It gets choppy after a while and can break immersion if we have to stop to try to figure out what they're saying.
Artistic: 4
You did a great job at showing us Pandora's thought processes, her justifications for opening the box. How often have we done the same when we know we're not supposed to do something?
Prompt: 3
So, here's the thing. It took me the whole post to realize who the story was about. That's fine. The issue is the moment I did, I didn't really feel the need to read anymore. I vaguely wonder what your version of Pandora's Box will release, but not really. There's just not enough there for me to want to know more once I know the subject. That could be because I was never a fan of Pandora, but that's where I'm at. These 200 words are supposed to make us want to read more, but I can't help but feel like this is the whole story.
4+4+3=11/3 = 3.67
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 25, 2021 9:10:04 GMT -6
It wasn't there yesterday.
That box in the corner of the room. Not sure if this is a grammar or only me but this wording seems blocky: That box in the corner of my room wasn't there yesterday.
It's certainly eye-catching black lacquer with antique bronze embellishments, A and sign on the top reads: "DO NOT OPEN." I wonder why people use such labels. Only makes it more alluring with a desire to find out what's inside.
There's no hasp. No padlock. No need to search for a key. Simply lift the lid. How tempting is that? Nobody would know if I just took a quick peek.
I press my ear to the door. Can't hear anyone coming this way, but I can now make out muffled twitterings originating from the box.
The one in the corner that wasn't there yesterday. Not sure if needed, though it does fit.
Maybe something has been confined within. A small bird perhaps. But who would be so heartless as to deprive an innocent creature of its freedom? It would surely be considered a good deed to release it. Give it the opportunity to spread its wings and fly.
The twittering grows ever louder. An urgent plea for liberty no doubt.
The wood is warm to the touch. Inviting. Seductive.
And really, what's the worse that could happen?
Technical Aspect: The opening two sentances were for me a bit hard. The rest was darn good. As for the hook, that's well done, I'd read on. Score:4
Artistic Aspect: I like Greek myth and this retelling was well done. I do question the start being in a room, but that's not a bad thing. Vivid descriptions and I easily imagined the scene as I was reading. Score: 4.5
Prompt Use: Hey Pandora's box,retold and very well.Score:5
Final score: 4 + 4.5 + 5=13.5/3=4.5
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 25, 2021 19:35:08 GMT -6
Technical - 3.5
Everything is perfect here. But One thing is missing. Time, place, and setting. Maybe it would be more interesting if you tell something about the surrounding or something else.
Artistic - 4
Nice sentences and use of words
Prompt - 5
Did a great and exact job as asked by the prompt
Total - 3.5+ 4+5 = 4.16
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 11:14:27 GMT -6
Technical: Overall well done, there's a misspelling, and a few things I'd definitely have rephrased. "Only makes it more alluring with a desire to find out what's inside" feels really strange, I think "only makes it more alluring" or perhaps "all the more alluring" would have sufficed. I don't think there'd have been much room for error in interpreting the sentence, given the context.
Likewise, the line specifying that the box from which the noise came from is the same that wasn't there before feels unnecessary. I don't think it could be missed either way, and it doesn't feel like it adds much to the story - especially since it feels like it's doing its job pretty well. The short sentences add a sense of tension, they instill a curiosity and make it easy to go on. I'll give it 4.3.
Artistic: It works for me. I like how well we know what's going on in Pandora's head. I really get the feeling that she senses that she should not open the box, but wants to, and is grasping at any justification she can find. If that was the intention, well done. Perhaps a little too explanatory in places, which makes it feel forced at times - though perhaps that was part of the point. I'll go with 4.5.
Prompt: Nothing wrong with anything here, I think it's a 5.
Average: 4.40
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 26, 2021 13:16:32 GMT -6
Technical
I thought the inner monologue was done well. The POV was easy to follow and I liked the wavering of justification regarding opening the box to be something that most people would experience. Not sure the second reference to the box in the corner was necessary. I, for one, hadn't forgotten it was there. Still, I believe the hook was present, as called for.
Score: 4.25
Artistic
Although it's obvious that this is Pandora, I get no sense of her except for the fact that she is curious about the box. There is nothing to pinpoint her age, her location, or anything else of a personal nature. Not sure if this detracts or adds to the theme of the story but I would like to see that aspect expanded.
Score: 3.50
Prompt
Pandora is definitely a mythological figure. And I do believe the hook is strong enough to make me want to keep reading....although I'm not sure the eventual conclusion would be much of a surprise.
Score: 5.00
FINAL TOTAL: 4.25
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:55:02 GMT -6
Technical elements: Interesting sentences and word choices. e.g. “Inviting.Seductive.” It is simple and straightforward which makes it easy to read. However, I don’t understand the structure of the starting two sentences. Wouldn’t it make more sense that you make it one sentence?
Or if this is a matter of style, it might sound better to me to reverse the sentences :
‘That box in the corner of the room.
It wasn’t there yesterday.’
Grade:4.
Artistic elements: the element of mystery is clear from the very beginning. I like the tone of the narrator. It is calm, plenty descriptive.
Grade:4
Prompt: It is definitely mysterious and I would like to find out what’s in it, but based on what is said before, I have doubts if it’s worth my time. Try to be less mysterious, maybe? Grade:4
final grade 4
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 30, 2021 15:51:18 GMT -6
Thank you to everyone who read and commented on my entry. My purpose was to put together something that was enjoyable and from the comments received, I think I can say mission accomplished. Thank you again and to be honest, I’m rather happy with my score even though I didn’t make it into the honor circle.
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jul 1, 2021 5:08:47 GMT -6
Thank you to everyone who read and commented on my entry. My purpose was to put together something that was enjoyable and from the comments received, I think I can say mission accomplished. Thank you again and to be honest, I’m rather happy with my score even though I didn’t make it into the honor circle. I'm probably one of the toughest contest scorers out there, and I felt like your entry was just a hint from being at the top. It really was SO close. You definitely captured Pandora's spirit. Just needed a little more character development to let us see her better. A really, really nice job! |
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jul 1, 2021 7:43:14 GMT -6
Thank you for your kind comments, ScienceGirl...both given above and to my story. I was pleased with my overall effort but can see from what you (and others) have pointed out, how it could have been better. The standards here are so high that it's gratifying to know you thought I could have been among the top contenders. Thank you again....and CONGRATULATIONS on your magnificently well-deserved win.  |
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jul 6, 2021 1:28:27 GMT -6
I love this! You've beautifully brought us into Pandora's mind. I love the child-like innocence and playfulness that comes through. I also like the implications of the box suddenly appearing. It's almost as if the box is popping up in random people's houses. Is it a test or does the box have a malicious sentience? I don't really have much to add, because this is just such a great entry.
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Curious. 
