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Post by pelwrath on Jul 9, 2022 8:46:16 GMT -6
Stale air and dust, the smell of tombs and thrones everywhere.
No need for the italics. That's why I linked the article on free indirect discourse. There's no need to directly quote his thoughts. The reader knows by the fact this comment is in the story that it's Uxator thinking this. I like this opening, though, because it gives the background that Uxator is pretty familiar with tombs and thrones.
An action beat then or deep POV monologue is what you're saying.
It’s boney hand still gripping his spetum, he walks to the throne
It's really hard to tell here whose hand you mean with the way it's written now.
Confusing wording but a comment from another(not here) said the orignal was a runon sentance due to the noun/verb pairing.
Why is it waiting?
Again. All you need to say is Why is it waiting?
Like the first, drop the italics.
“Kadget abandoned us to the shadows. The realm of Shadows reveals things to us. Free us and we’ll serve you, thief.”
I feel like I'd like more about how Uxator reacts to hearing this. It's a pretty major thing to be told, and since you don't give a reaction he sounds almost apathetic to it. Before the "How?" I would like to see him react a little bit, Maybe show him being surprised or delighted or annoyed.
Honest opinion, yes it is, which also mean
that I have to eliminate it as I've only 200 words to use. that or make THIS the entire foucus of the opening.
There are some grammatical errors as well. You said you'd make the whole thing present tense, but you still have past in the second paragraph. There are also some comma issues. Does your crown, still weigh heavy — Would you say "Does he, write"? No, you wouldn't put a comma in that. You would just say "Does he write?" So why would you put one in a sentence of the same structure?
Again, no I wouldn't but I did graduate with honors from the Shatner/Wauken School of Comas and Grammar.
I'm banging my head against a wall and though interesting, the blood stains are boring to look at. I'm not a writer, I'll never be a writer. On the old site, Jay Greenstein dubbed me the Master of the Period, due to my full and total command of how to use that element of punctuation. Dorothy Davies and other's her have been patient and kind, just like you, in trying to help me. I've failed every time. I fully believe that I'll never learn the technical aspect of writting. Why?
I don't see my use of past tense in the second paragraph.
Uxator used his torch, to light those still in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs draped both skeleton and chair, undisturbed dust, the floor. It’s boney hand still gripping his spetum, he walks to the throne, giving a courtly bow of contempt.
I believe you but don't see it, like I'm color blind. To me I see the descriprion of the movie in my mind, as Uxator is doing it. Which to me is present time and therefore present tense.
I'll give it one more attempt atimproving this opening, Rorschach, saw the blood stains and wants a few more samples.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 9, 2022 14:02:39 GMT -6
Be kind to yourself, let go of Greenstein because insulting yourself is counterproductive to improving, and just learn. I was one of the worst writers in my fiction class in university. A girl in my class told me that I write "unintentional satire" and yeah, it hurt, and it still hurts if I think about it too much. I've gotten a lot better since then.
Weird thing with your grammar I noticed is that your posts seem to have better grammar than your stories. Could you be overthinking it when you try to write formally?
The problem is you've put the "it" so far after the "skeleton" that it's hard to tell that "it" means the skeleton.
It wasn't a run-on sentence before; it was a fragment. Some people use fragments even though they're technically wrong because they can have an interesting effect.
Let me try to explain. A sentence is a subject (the noun doing something) and a verb in the right form for the subject. A sentence can have more stuff, but those two things are what make it a sentence. So "His hand grips" is a sentence. "Hand" is the subject; "grips" is the verb that it does. "His hand gripping" is not a sentence because "gripping" isn't in the right form. So it's not a complete sentence by itself. You can attach it to a sentence, though, and make it part of one.
You used a construction like that yourself later on.
A humanoid form of blackness hovers at the edge of his torch light, its blue eyes staring at him.
"Its blue eyes staring at him" can't be a sentence on its own because "staring" isn't in the right form; it would have to be "stare." But "A humanoid form of blackness hovers" is a sentence. The subject is "a humanoid form of blackness." The verb in the right form is "hovers." You correctly attached the non-sentence "its blue eyes staring at him" to a sentence to make a longer sentence.
"Used" and "draped"
You actually only have a couple of incorrect commas in this piece.
Uxator used his torch, to light those still in their sconces.
Doesn't need the comma. I think the technical reason for this is "to light those still in their sconces" is a restrictive clause. It's hard to explain that in words, so I hope I can communicate this properly. Read these two sentences:
He lit the torch, which was near the door.
He lit the torch that was near the door.
They mean different things, don't they? In the first one, he lit the torch, and then I'm telling you where the torch was as extra information. In the second one, there are a lot of torches and I'm specifying which one. And in the first kind of sentence, you need a comma, and in the second, you don't. Your sentence "Uxator used his torch to light those still in their sconces" is the second kind. I hope this makes some intuitive sense.
Does your crown, still weigh heavy
Again, putting a comma here is like saying "Does he, write?"
Goosebumps run the course of Uxator’s spine, as a cool wind brushes his face
I can't tell you why, but the extra information clause ("as a cool wind brushes his face") only needs a comma if it goes before the main sentence, not afterwards. If you were to say As a cool wind brushes his face, goosebumps run the course of his spine, you would need the comma, yeah.
I’m Uxator the best thief in Khandar.
Needs a comma after Uxator. "The best thief in Khandar" is an extra phrase that describes Uxator, so it needs to be set off with a comma. You could take out this phrase and the sentence would still be complete: "I'm Uxator." You actually get this kind of construction correct at the end of the story: Then become Shadow Jack, Prince of Shadows.
its blue eyes, staring at him
Doesn't need the comma. "Staring at him" is not an extra phrase that describes the eyes. And "its blue eyes" is not a stand-alone sentence, unlike "I'm Uxator".
I really hope that all makes sense and you can apply the rules on your own.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 9, 2022 20:32:06 GMT -6
Scintilla,
Having those examples/explanations is marvelous. I can't see what I don't know. Your explantions are very well done. I most definately am over thinking my contests, because for me to be competative, I have to have the artistic and prompt nailed because my technical score will alays be terrible. I accept that as it's close to impossible for me to become better at that. Self imposed preasure...to prove myself.
As for being too hard on myself, yes, I am. All writers are but not like me. I do try to laugh at myself with humor, which helps. Always been that way. I see the rest of you as so competant and at ease with that, it's simple for you. Part of me knows that you've all worked very hard for that but that's not how I see it when I read your submissions.
As for Mr. Greenstein, I almsot quit writing due to him. I decided that he wasn't going to win and didn't stop writing. Now, I can spend some time on the revision #3.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 10, 2022 8:08:22 GMT -6
My 3rd revision of this story. I hope that my deficiencies in writing and Scintiila's time and excellent help have been able to help others with writing issues similar to mine. Just like in a classroom, the only bad question is theone you don't ask. If you have a question, others in the group have it or one similar. To all who've been following this; Your story is never as bad or as good as you might think. I happen to think that a lot, maybe too much. Please ask for help if you're not sure about something. Now for my 3rd revision.
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
WORDS: 195
WARNINGS: None
Revision #3
Stale air and dust, the smell of tombs and thrones everywhere.
Uxator used his torch to light those still in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais. Dust decorated cobwebs drape the chair and its skeletal occupant, it’s boney hand still gripping a spetum. Uxator walks to the throne, giving a contemptuous bow.
“Does your crown still weigh heavy, my dead king? If so, I’ll relieve you of that burden.”
Goosebumps run the course of Uxator’s spine as a cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears. He draws his sword, Hawk-wing.
“Who are you?” Resounds from the cold darkness.
“I’m Uxator, the best thief in Khandar.”
A humanoid blackness hovers at the edge of his torch light, its blue eyes staring at him.
“I know of your kind, shadow.”
“Did you free the slaves in Khandar?”
“How did you know?”
“Kadget abandoned us to the shadows, to which we are now bound. The realm of Shadows reveals things to us. Claim his crown and become king, to free us from our prison. Then become Shadow Jack, Prince of Shadows, and our lord.”
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 10, 2022 15:42:22 GMT -6
That's a big improvement in my opinion. I wish we could get others' opinions too.
Just cleaning up a bit.
Stale air and dust, the smell of tombs and thrones everywhere. I do still find it awkward starting with this fragment. This is really just me, but I'd make it a full sentence: The place smells of stale air and dust, the scent of tombs and thrones everywhere.
Uxator used his torch You still used past tense here.
Dust decorated cobwebs Dust-decorated cobwebs
it’s boney hand Its bony hand. "Its" means belonging to it. "It's" means it is.
Uxator walks to the throne, giving a contemptuous bow. Uxator walks to the throne and gives a contemptuous bow. The way you have it, he's bowing while walking.
“Does your crown still weigh heavy, my dead king? If so, I’ll relieve you of that burden.” I get a lot more sense of his character than before from this.
Goosebumps run the course of Uxator’s spine as a cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears. He draws his sword, Hawk-wing.
“Who are you?” Resounds from the cold darkness. It sounds awkward to say that the wind brings words to his ears so far before you actually say what the words are.
Plus "resounds" should be lowercase because it's part of the same sentence. It's just the dialogue tag belonging to the quote. It's like when you say "I'm here," he said, you don't capitalize he.
Claim his crown and become king, to free us from our prison. Doesn't need the comma; again, it's a restrictive clause.
I'll give you another example of that; I hope this helps:
Uxator is going to the tomb so that he can steal a crown. No comma. Uxator is going to the tomb, so he needs to prepare. Comma. Can you sort of sense the difference between the two?
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 10, 2022 20:02:38 GMT -6
Scintilla,
Thank you, for all your help, and those explanaitions for what I shouldbe looking for. I've used the suggestions you made.
Jeffrey Yorio
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jul 10, 2022 23:35:22 GMT -6
I think you've worked really hard (and Scintilla has given some great pointers) on the piece. Reading through all the versions, I think the latest revision is the best so far. I don't mind fragmented sentences, but for some reason, I think the opening would read smoother as a full sentence. For example: "The room smelled of stale air and dust, the scent of tombs and thrones everywhere". Also, I like the phrase "the scent of tombs and thrones". I dig the phrase "Dust decorated cobwebs". I think "its boney hand still gripping a spetum" is a bit vague (whose boney hand is it?), and the repetition of "its" in quick succession feels a bit awkward. I'd break this into two sentences. For instance: "Dust decorated cobwebs drape the chair and its skeletal occupant. The dead king's boney hand still gripped a spetum". I also wish you had an extra sentence here briefly describing the dead king. As is, there's little to go on and I'm having a difficult time picturing him. This is a minor nit-pick, but I would replace "walks" with a word that gives us a better picture of Uxator's character. For instance, I read him as a bit cocky and maybe something like "Uxator struts" could help show that cockiness. This is a cool line. The crown seems to be Uxator's original goal for entering the tomb, so I think you could have a quick sentence describing the crown. Right now, I have no idea if it's a plain crown, an ostentatious crown etc. This could be a me-thing, but I find this part slightly disjointed. We're told a wind brings words to Uxator's ears, but then Uxator draws his sword before we hear those words. I would prefer it if "Who are you?" and Uxator drawing his sword are switched. For instance: "... as a cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears from the darkness. "Who are you?" Uxator draws his sword, Hawk-wing."Zooming out a bit, I preferred the latest revision over the initial contest entry for a few reasons: a) The revision feels a lot more coherent. The original entry felt very disjointed with thoughts/dialogue interrupting the story. You've made everything flow together much more nicely.
b) The revision feels more immediate. Bits like the double doors and the Necromancer's warning didn't really seem that important to the story and you've taken them out.
I also understand the contest capped entries at 200 words, but I think providing the full story would give us more context to work with. |
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 11, 2022 6:47:18 GMT -6
Whale,
Thank you for those pointers. I like your suggestion of replacing 'walks' and I have reworded that Goosebumps line. I corected the it's and replaced it. I do plan on that once I write it past notes. I'll post the origin/introduction of Uxator from a previosu previous soon. Thanak you for your kind words about why it's a better story.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 12, 2022 12:57:19 GMT -6
Okay, my final revision, hopefully. My thanks to Scintilla and Whale for their assistance.
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
WORDS: 198
WARNINGS: None
Revision #4
This place smells of stale air and dust, the scent of tombs and thrones everywhere.
Uxator touched his torch to those in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais. Dust-decorated cobwebs draped the chair and its skeletal occupant, whose boney hand was still gripping a spetum. Uxator saunters to the throne and gives a contemptuous bow.
“Does your crown still weigh heavy, my dead king? If so, I’ll relieve you of that burden.”
Goosebumps run the course of his spine as a cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears. “Who are you?” resounds from the cold darkness.
He draws his sword, Hawk-wing.
“I’m Uxator, the best thief in Khandar.”
A humanoid blackness hovers at the edge of his torch light, its blue eyes staring at him.
“I know of your kind, shadow.”
“Did you free the slaves in Khandar?”
“How did you know?”
“Kadget abandoned us to the shadows, to which we are now bound. The realm of Shadows reveals things to us. Claim his crown and become king to free us from our prison. Then become Shadow Jack, Prince of Shadows, and our lord.”
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Post by alliecartman248 on Sept 19, 2022 13:50:07 GMT -6
Uxator lit his torch, then the torches still in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs covered both, like undisturbed dust did the floor.
-->
Uxator lit his torch, then the torches in the sconces. They burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs covered both, just as dust did the floor.
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Looks more like a throne room than a tomb. His boney hand still gripping his spetum.
Uxator walked to the throne and bowed.
“Does your soon to be mine crown, still weight heavy, my dead king?”
-->
*Looks more like a throne room than a tomb.* His boney hand still gripping his sceptor.
Uxator walked to the throne and bowed.
“Does your crown, soon-to-be mine, still weigh heavy on your head, my dead king?”
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
