Hook 'Em Entry #7 - DreamingoftheMist

[RAVENEYE]

Title: Homecoming
Genre: horror
Trigger Warnings: implied death, claustrophobia, trapped, buried alive

An eerie wail gripped Olivia’s thoughts, dragging her through the haze into consciousness. Disoriented, she reached for the lamp on the nightstand and found a rough, wooden barrier. With adrenaline pumping, and her heart pounding, she pushed and kicked the sides. The top moved slightly. Turning right in the cramped space, she pushed up. Wood creaked. Then cracked. As her shoulder forced the lid open. It slid off, hitting the porch with a thud.

Scrambling out, she crouched next to the crate, struggling to focus. Within moments, Olivia recognized the familiar shapes. Home. Except not how she remembered it. Overgrown grass and weeds covered the lawn and reached through the broken steps.

Unable to process, she stood. The deteriorating floorboards shifted. With a low growl, something underneath protested. Claws scraped the wooden lattice as the animal fled, the grass swaying as it ran across the yard.

“Not real,” she muttered, gripping her shaky hands in front of her. “I’m dreaming.”

Except it felt real.

A gust of wind, chilled her skin, offering a sweet odor that chilled her deeper. With a sense of dread, Olivia rubbed her arms and turned, finding worn police tape falling off the front door.

[ScintillaMyntan]

Now this is an unexpected take on the prompt: the character opens the box — from the inside. Clever twist.

What happened to Olivia seems to be ambiguous. She could have been maliciously put in the box, maybe drugged a long time ago and stuffed in there before the police came, or mistaken for dead and put in the box. Or maybe she's undead. I like how despite there being plenty of clues that point to these possibilities, it's still unknown, and that curiosity drives the story forwards and makes me want to read more.

I think sometimes these hook contest entries leave out details to make things mysterious, but they actually end up feeling kind of lazy, like the writer knew they weren't going to finish the story, so they didn't bother making details up. I've probably been guilty of that myself. This story doesn't fall into that. It's vague enough to drive curiosity, but actually leaves enough relevant hints to narrow down the vast number of possibilities and stimulate guesses.

The descriptions are vivid and seem believable as to what a person in this situation would notice and think about. The first sentence is a really good way to describe what it feels like, mentally, to wake up. From a bunch of swirling confused thoughts, something gets your attention and makes you start thinking in an awake way rather than a sleepy way.

I wasn't sure how the animal is relevant to the story. It seems like it's given too much focus to just be a random animal, yet the story so far doesn't seem like it's setting the animal up to connect to Olivia's situation other than accidentally waking her up. If the animal is actually significant and not just some bystander who happened to make a noise, I would want just a bit more hint of its importance: maybe describe its wail as unusual, or have Olivia wonder what it is or talk to it.

Grammar

With adrenaline pumping, and her heart pounding

Doesn't need the comma

Then cracked. As her shoulder forced the lid open.

I know you're doing incomplete sentences on purpose, but the "As her shoulder forced the lid open" as its own sentence sounds off to me. I think I would combine these two.

Scrambling out, she crouched next to the crate

The way this is written means that the two actions are happening at the same time. It should be something like "She scrambled out and crouched next to the crate."

A gust of wind, chilled her skin

Doesn't need the comma

[Mazulla]

My first thought was that she's undead (hence the police tape), especially with "buried alive" and "implied death" as the trigger warnings. But then, it wouldn't make sense that a body would be left unattended inside a box and on a porch after a police investigation. And it doesn't seem like she's being "returned" to her home considering she thought she was still in bed with a lamp beside her. A lot of questions about her circumstances and what it all means -- her being inside a box, the house being overgrown/rotten and with police tape over the door -- so I'd say that's certainly a successful hook and a unique take on the prompt.

I didn't understand the lead-in for the "eerie wail" at the beginning. Was this the animal, Olivia herself, or something else?

A couple things I noticed:

Then cracked. As her shoulder forced the lid open. This reads awkwardly and I'd combine the sentences.

A gust of wind, chilled her skin. Remove the comma.

I'm curious to see how you answer the question of how she got there and why she's in the box, and I hope you post more.

[RAVENEYE]

I love this concept! And the interpretation of the prompt is a lot of fun. As for a hook, I’m totally hooked and would read on to find out if this surreal, terrifying situation is real or dreamt, and how/if Olivia gets out of it.

The main issue I’m encountering is one of flow and connecting details.

* In the first para: “found a rough, wooden barrier. With adrenaline pumping, and her heart pounding, she pushed and kicked the sides. The top moved slightly.” – if I had no idea what the prompt was, that this was supposed to be about a box, I’d have a hard time following, due to lack of transitions between nightstand, wooden barrier, sides, and top. When word count allows, maybe reveal Olivia’s discovery of these boundaries bit by bit. She tries to stretch out, can’t, tries to sit up, bumps her head, panic builds slowly as confusion gives way to certainty. I did initially think that she had found herself inside a coffin instead of a crate. Either would work as far as the prompt goes.

That said, having her rely on sensory clues besides sight is effective: rough wood, creaking and cracking and thud.

* The narration relies heavily on -ing action construction throughout, and their frequency made them start popping out at me so that I took notice of them and had to reread for what was going on around them. Dragging, pumping, pounding, turning, hitting are in the first para alone. So I do suggest restructuring the sentences/actions to minimize these -ing verbs.

Regardless, I’m beyond curious to find out what happens and I hope you’ll post the whole thing after the contest.

[Soliton]

The setting was an excellent hook ‘em technique. Olivia’s is in a coffin. Everyone’s darkest nightmare which is historically based. That fear was real in the 14th through the 17th century of being buried alive. As a result, the safety coffin was invented with a surface bell making for noisy cemeteries for those neighborhoods.

The “An eerie wail” further set the mood, a great hook ‘em technique. Olivia’s is confused and “not in Kansas anymore” another great hook ‘em technique. Ominous “low growl” and “Claws scraped” and “animal fled”, all provided further great hook ‘em techniques to set the mood.

The entry skillfully applied intense hook ‘em techniques to build to the final “finding worn police tape falling off the front door.” I would read this further for sure.

To me this entry shows masterful skills in hook ‘em techniques. I was captured by this beginning and would dash to the next page to see what would follow.

 

[Sundrinker]

I find it's a nicely executed POV story that really makes you feel as if you were in the box. The horror and mystery element are well used. I do feel that the story falls flat in that it's kind of unclear what the stakes are.

[OnBardicWings]

Is it thinking inside or outside of the box when the POV character has to escape from it? I really enjoyed this approach to the box prompt, though I do admittedly find myself slightly lost as to the full extent of what all is going on. Was there an animal in the box it was it just Olivia's imagination conjuring beasts? I would have liked a little more clarity on that point. Regardless, the imagery of a character climbing out of a box in which she was trapped to find herself standing by her front door covered in police tape is a strong way to imply a lot of action, and the sense of uncertainty the whole piece conveys supports that nicely.

[FoxxGlove]

This was a very unique take on the prompt and there is a certain specific horror associated with being confined in a small space, such as a crate, although I must admit in this instance, it appeared to my mind as more of a casket-type box than anything else. Given the decrepit state of the home and the worn police tape on the front door, one gets the impression that Olivia has probably been captive for quite some time, which begs the question is she alive or now some undead creature? There is the suggestion that it might be nothing more than a dream...nightmare more accurately described...but nevertheless, would be a terrifying experience. The fleeing animal also raises questions that I would like answered: the aforementioned is Olivia alive or not and whether the fleeing animal carried any significance, for example. In short, you have me hooked and I would certainly read on to find out more.