Hook 'Em Entry #8 - Mazulla

[RAVENEYE]

Title: Guest of Honor

Genre: Surreal/Fantasy

Trigger Warnings: N/A

Where am I?

The thought circled inside a dense fog that stifled my mind, made my senses dull. Flushed and feverish, my stomach churned, threatening to regurgitate whatever contents lay in wait. A long night out with the lads, I guessed, yet I had no recollection of ever leaving my flat.

There it was - I turned over, retched. Fingers clutching at loose sand. A hot breeze swept against my face. Vaguely, I understood that, though I was feverish, it wasn't the only reason I was warm.

The haze cleared and a memory crept in: A package arrived at my doorstep. No return address, nor addressee. A black box embellished with unfamiliar, golden inscriptions. My first thought was to find its rightful owner. But, somehow, it felt intentional. It felt as if it was for me.

I recalled a flash upon opening it. It lasted an instant, my body both torn apart and thrust back together again. And I was moving. Faster, faster...

No longer was I in a dingy London flat, smelling faintly of damp mold. I was in a desert with heat radiating around me.

Senses returning, I stood to take in my surroundings.

Then I noticed the people.

[DreamingoftheMist]

It's definitely surreal. Why does he think the box belongs to someone else if it's on his porch? I'm not familiar with this genre. But confused and vomiting as the first image doesn't sound appealing. It asks questions but not anything I, as a reader, want the answer to.

[ScintillaMyntan]

This piece invokes curiosity and I enjoyed it. That "Then I noticed the people" at the end is enticingly ominous. I appreciate how you use the title to hint at what the character is getting himself into. (Well, you don't necessarily have to be a 'he' to drink with the lads, but I'll go with that). The box feels like it's just for him, and then he's a "guest of honor" — seems like he wasn't chosen at random to get transported to the desert. It's like there are just enough specifics to keep the story interesting and feel like you thought through things and have ideas for the rest of the story, while still being vague enough to be mysterious.

I do wonder whether he has some guess why he might've been targeted for this. I would think it's typical to wonder "why me" and guess that it's because you've done something wrong, or right, or whether this has to do with someone you know, or something like that. I know we're short on space, but I guess I would expect a tiny hint more of the character's speculation about what this all means, not just his confusion about how it happened and where he is.

I was in a desert with heat radiating around me.
There's an opportunity to give more detail here than this sentence provides. Namely, how does he know he's in a desert? We already know from earlier that it's hot and there's sand. Something other than heat and sand must have told him it's a desert, and providing that would add extra imagery and help 'show, not tell.'


Grammar

Flushed and feverish, my stomach churned
This makes "flushed and feverish" describe the stomach, but it's not the stomach that is flushed and feverish; it's the person.

The haze cleared and a memory crept in: A package arrived at my doorstep.
I would probably start the memory with the past perfect: "A package had arrived at my doorstep." That would show that it's even further back than the rest of the story, which is already in past tense.

No longer was I in a dingy London flat, smelling faintly of damp mold.
I would remove the comma so it doesn't sound like he's the one smelling of mold!

[RAVENEYE]

Nice concept! What nasty kind of magic is this? A dirty trick to pull on someone for sure. I’d keep reading to learn who sent the box and why they targeted this narrator. Given the story content the title becomes unsettling. Is it actually an honor to be drawn into this desert, or is that title ironic in a really bad way? Would read to find out.

And who the heck are the people in that last line? The build up is effective so that the last line, so ordinary, reads as intensely creepy. Plus, the flow of the narration and the progression of the narrator’s thought process and experience is logical and smooth.

The only thing I found to complain about is that second sentence that leads with a dangling modifier that causes the sentence to state that the stomach is flushed and feverish. Restructure that bit, and I think you’d be good to go.

[Soliton]

The opening was confused by design as the unnamed POV was hung over and recovering. I got this and wanted the story to move on. Perhaps too much dwelling on the confused state held the story back a bit. As I re-read this, I wondered if the whole story was still the POV in an intoxicated state of mind? This intrigued and interested me again to read on to see if this was, in fact, the case.

I was glad to POV got out of his “dingy London flat” into some nice warm fresh air via box magic. The new change of setting was a good hook ‘em approach that I liked.

I loved the last phrase “Then I noticed the people.” This was a great hook ‘em technique that caught me with all kinds of questions in my mind about what was going to happen next and who were these people and what was the location?

Note to self, beware of “A black box embellished with unfamiliar, golden inscriptions” on your doorstep not from Amazon. First sink it in a bucket of water. Water. This hook-um ominous turn of event successfully caught my attention. I felt we were about to “go down the rabbit hole.”

As a hook ‘em entry this grabbed me to read on. Great job. Well done.

[OnBardicWings]

I feel like the two halves of this could stand to be a little bit more connected. Did the box itself teleport the character, or were they just snapped out of a memory into the desert where they ended up? I wonder if maybe some of the words used to describe the London flat could be repurposed to sell the change of scenery a little more solidly and give some better sense of what is going on. That said, the surreal atmosphere of this piece is strong, and the suddenness of the scenery change really amplifies that. Now I want to know just who "the people" are

[FoxxGlove]

A surreal little piece that captured the imagination. In my opinion, the opening of a story that begins with a question is always something of a hook, so nicely done on that score. Otherwise, I felt a tad distanced from the character and never felt as though I got to know very much about him (assuming it is a "him" given the reference to a "long night out with the lads"...my apologies if that assumption is incorrect). The ending, however, was indeed ominous with its noticing of "the people." Not sure if I'd be tempted to read on or not, to be honest, but probably so.

[Sundrinker]

I find this well written. It flows well and the level of language used is not too simple nor too difficult. The descriptions used are short, simple and clear, which I appreciate a lot, especially the passage about the transportation.

I would have like to learn more about the desert or the surroundings, but that could have played contrarily to the character noticing the people around.

I feel the ending is ambiguous, especially with no description given about the people around. The title suggests something positive, but the MC could have been transported to be part of a desert sacrifice or some other dark thing.

I'd be curious enough to ask for a little more before deciding if I'm "hooked" or not.