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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 12, 2024 22:13:50 GMT -6
I've started my dev edits with Chapter 1. I have not received the rest of my draft just yet. So, lately I have taken lots of her revision notes into account.
Looking for notes from technical, artistic, and creative points of view. Like for short fiction contests. With this start, Im really going after atmosphere, character dialogue that's leans realistic for science fiction soldiers (not super soldiers), and build-up of "what are they looking for?", you know.
**
Ianlos Courtyard, Oswego Forest, Ianlos Sector, Mercury. April 4th, 2347 .
Ellexis scanned the building pockmarked with bullet holes. Lasers fingered along the edges of walls as her curved HUD outlined them. A green holographic scale showed measurements. Crickets chirped in the tree line behind them, as they had for over three hours. Nice nighttime detail to mask her team’s approach just a little, she thought. What her intel claimed was here will be easier to retrieve and exfil.
“Got ‘em by the tail,” she whispered to her team. “Radio silence on my mark."
Rising from her crouching position , she gave a two-finger point toward the closest buildings’ wall, where a maintenance door and a splintered ladder were built in.
“Mark.” Her three fireteam members blinked at mute icons in their HUDS, then rose.
Inside, they walked the metal stairs with the silence of a Mercurian jaguar . At its top, Ellexis motioned to something down the hall. Gareth, the Private on her left, nodded while continuing to sweep a collapsible metal detector. Maybe these machines they expected to be shooting at them would only lure them in for a jump scare.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Mar 17, 2024 21:17:37 GMT -6
Hello. At the beginning of this excerpt, I wanted to know how to feel from what they're doing. It lacked atmosphere because it didn't have a clear goal or emotion attached to it. Are the team excited that they found a good opportunity to investigate, relieved because they survived the incident that caused the bullet holes, or scared because they might still be shot?
I do get a sense of silence in the first paragraph as the crew work, which is cool, and I like how you were able to suggest that by the visual imagery and the description of the crickets. But I don't know whether it's supposed to be people-concentrating silence, mournful silence, eerie silence, just practical silence because they have to be stealthy, or what. There's only a bunch of imagery and happenings that lack meaning.
It would go a really long way to just have a line like "They might never have an opportunity to investigate the whatever this thoroughly again," or "So this was where Important Guy lived his final moments!" or "Everyone stood still so they could listen for footsteps."
As for the "what are they looking for?", my own stories have gotten criticized before for withholding important information. I'm not sure how other people would evaluate this aspect. I think I might not mind as long as I knew more how to feel from the investigation as a whole, even if I didn't know what they were looking for.
But I was confused about the 'marks.' I don't know what she meant by "radio silence on my mark." Later she says "mark" as though it was a command, and I guess the other people marked something using their holographic interfaces, but I didn't know what this is about. I guess my factual confusion about what was happening, other than the issue of what they're looking for, which I guess is going to be a juicy surprise, made it hard to get hooked.
It bothered me a little that at first I thought she was scanning it with her eyes, not a device.
Should be 'would' since the story is in past.
HUDs, since only the 'HUD' part is an acronym.
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 17, 2024 23:42:18 GMT -6
Hello. At the beginning of this excerpt, I wanted to know how to feel from what they're doing. It lacked atmosphere because it didn't have a clear goal or emotion attached to it. Are the team excited that they found a good opportunity to investigate, relieved because they survived the incident that caused the bullet holes, or scared because they might still be shot?
I do get a sense of silence in the first paragraph as the crew work, which is cool, and I like how you were able to suggest that by the visual imagery and the description of the crickets. But I don't know whether it's supposed to be people-concentrating silence, mournful silence, eerie silence, just practical silence because they have to be stealthy, or what. There's only a bunch of imagery and happenings that lack meaning.
It would go a really long way to just have a line like "They might never have an opportunity to investigate the whatever this thoroughly again," or "So this was where Important Guy lived his final moments!" or "Everyone stood still so they could listen for footsteps."
As for the "what are they looking for?", my own stories have gotten criticized before for withholding important information. I'm not sure how other people would evaluate this aspect. I think I might not mind as long as I knew more how to feel from the investigation as a whole, even if I didn't know what they were looking for.
But I was confused about the 'marks.' I don't know what she meant by "radio silence on my mark." Later she says "mark" as though it was a command, and I guess the other people marked something using their holographic interfaces, but I didn't know what this is about. I guess my factual confusion about what was happening, other than the issue of what they're looking for, which I guess is going to be a juicy surprise, made it hard to get hooked.
It bothered me a little that at first I thought she was scanning it with her eyes, not a device.
Should be 'would' since the story is in past.
HUDs, since only the 'HUD' part is an acronym.
I do need a clear initial goal. For some reason, I have not thought of one for this opening chapter. Be it intel or a message, or enemy movements, or someone's captured and they need to free them. Yes, its eerie silence. Good point - that needs clarification. Im not trying to withhold info actually; I simply need to figure out what they want, haha. Just in this chapter. So saying "on my mark... Mark" is military terminology for saying "Go" or "Proceed". Well, she is scanning it with her HUD. That is what the next line shows. Maybe I can put an additional detail saying its her HUD in line one. Hmm would is one of those overused words that isn't active. Was isn't either... HUDS... oops. Accidental 'S' transferred when I copy c/v'ed this. Many thanks! |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Mar 18, 2024 8:51:01 GMT -6
I've started my dev edits with Chapter 1. I have not received the rest of my draft just yet. So, lately I have taken lots of her revision notes into account. Looking for notes from technical, artistic, and creative points of view. Like for short fiction contests. With this start, Im really going after atmosphere, character dialogue that's leans realistic for science fiction soldiers (not super soldiers), and build-up of "what are they looking for?", you know. ** Ianlos Courtyard, Oswego Forest, Ianlos Sector, Mercury. April 4th, 2347 . Ellexis scanned the building pockmarked with bullet holes. Lasers fingered along the edges of walls as her curved HUD outlined them. A green holographic scale showed measurements. Crickets chirped in the tree line behind them, as they had for over three hours. Nice nighttime detail to mask her team’s approach just a little, she thought. What her intel claimed was here (any reason for the vagueness here, rather than just naming what it is?) will be easier to retrieve and exfil. “Got ‘em by the tail,” she whispered to her team. “Radio silence on my mark." Rising from her crouching position , she gave a two-finger point toward the closest buildings’ wall, where a maintenance door and a splintered ladder were built in. (Vague noun "building" is okay in the opening sentence when I'm just getting acquainted with what's going on, but by this point I'm expecting more concrete detail. What kind of buildings are on Mercury? They could range from anything from primitive settlements built of local materials to sleek high-tech imported military stuff, so a clue here would help me visualize setting better and what kind of trouble they may be getting into.)“Mark.” Her three fireteam members blinked at mute icons in their HUDS, then rose. Inside, they walked ( climbed) ( stronger verb) the metal stairs with the silence of a Mercurian jaguar . At its top, (The subject and its pronoun ought to match, but "stairs" and "its" do not. "At the top" is also vague, given that apparently they are now inside? Was there a door they got past somehow? Odd that it's not secured? Something about that could heighten tension, and help the last sentence in this paragraph pay off a bit better.) Ellexis motioned to something down the hall. Gareth, the Private on her left, nodded while continuing to sweep a collapsible metal detector. Maybe these machines they expected to be shooting at them would only lure them in for a jump scare. I love stories like this. I'm already drawn in, but I do think there are a few details that will help with immersion. Namely, specifics. I hope you'll share more. I want to see what they're after and if they grab it or get in big trouble. |
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 19, 2024 21:08:30 GMT -6
I've started my dev edits with Chapter 1. I have not received the rest of my draft just yet. So, lately I have taken lots of her revision notes into account. Looking for notes from technical, artistic, and creative points of view. Like for short fiction contests. With this start, Im really going after atmosphere, character dialogue that's leans realistic for science fiction soldiers (not super soldiers), and build-up of "what are they looking for?", you know. ** Ianlos Courtyard, Oswego Forest, Ianlos Sector, Mercury. April 4th, 2347 . Ellexis scanned the building pockmarked with bullet holes. Lasers fingered along the edges of walls as her curved HUD outlined them. A green holographic scale showed measurements. Crickets chirped in the tree line behind them, as they had for over three hours. Nice nighttime detail to mask her team’s approach just a little, she thought. What her intel claimed was here (any reason for the vagueness here, rather than just naming what it is?) will be easier to retrieve and exfil. “Got ‘em by the tail,” she whispered to her team. “Radio silence on my mark." Rising from her crouching position , she gave a two-finger point toward the closest buildings’ wall, where a maintenance door and a splintered ladder were built in. (Vague noun "building" is okay in the opening sentence when I'm just getting acquainted with what's going on, but by this point I'm expecting more concrete detail. What kind of buildings are on Mercury? They could range from anything from primitive settlements built of local materials to sleek high-tech imported military stuff, so a clue here would help me visualize setting better and what kind of trouble they may be getting into.)“Mark.” Her three fireteam members blinked at mute icons in their HUDS, then rose. Inside, they walked ( climbed) ( stronger verb) the metal stairs with the silence of a Mercurian jaguar . At its top, (The subject and its pronoun ought to match, but "stairs" and "its" do not. "At the top" is also vague, given that apparently they are now inside? Was there a door they got past somehow? Odd that it's not secured? Something about that could heighten tension, and help the last sentence in this paragraph pay off a bit better.) Ellexis motioned to something down the hall. Gareth, the Private on her left, nodded while continuing to sweep a collapsible metal detector. Maybe these machines they expected to be shooting at them would only lure them in for a jump scare. I love stories like this. I'm already drawn in, but I do think there are a few details that will help with immersion. Namely, specifics. I hope you'll share more. I want to see what they're after and if they grab it or get in big trouble. I have made those tweaks. Ill make some more over the coming 1-2 weeks. My issue is balancing drama with some really silly humor. Im not good at it.. and I want to be. |
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Mar 21, 2024 20:29:22 GMT -6
I do need a clear initial goal. For some reason, I have not thought of one for this opening chapter. Be it intel or a message, or enemy movements, or someone's captured and they need to free them. Yes, its eerie silence. Good point - that needs clarification. Im not trying to withhold info actually; I simply need to figure out what they want, haha. Just in this chapter. So saying "on my mark... Mark" is military terminology for saying "Go" or "Proceed". Well, she is scanning it with her HUD. That is what the next line shows. Maybe I can put an additional detail saying its her HUD in line one. Hmm would is one of those overused words that isn't active. Was isn't either... HUDS... oops. Accidental 'S' transferred when I copy c/v'ed this. Many thanks! Huh. I thought the reveal about what they're looking for was going to be something really tied in to the main plot. It seems weird to me that in the introductory chapter, they're looking for something unimportant enough that you haven't decided it yet. But maybe it makes more sense in context, like the mission in the first chapter will introduce what their work is like even if it's not directly relevant.
When I talked about a clear goal, I actually just meant for these opening paragraphs— I wanted to know what to hope for in these little movements basically. She's scanning the building. What should I hope for? Them to solve a mystery? Them to not die?
Ah, I'm not too familiar with military stuff!
'Would' is an overused word!? I've never heard that! It's just a 'helping verb' as we called them in elementary school. That's like saying 'will' or 'can' or 'may' is an overused word. I hope it's not bad to use it since I've planned long passages in my novel of my character daydreaming with 'would.'
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 22, 2024 19:54:49 GMT -6
I do need a clear initial goal. For some reason, I have not thought of one for this opening chapter. Be it intel or a message, or enemy movements, or someone's captured and they need to free them. Yes, its eerie silence. Good point - that needs clarification. Im not trying to withhold info actually; I simply need to figure out what they want, haha. Just in this chapter. So saying "on my mark... Mark" is military terminology for saying "Go" or "Proceed". Well, she is scanning it with her HUD. That is what the next line shows. Maybe I can put an additional detail saying its her HUD in line one. Hmm would is one of those overused words that isn't active. Was isn't either... HUDS... oops. Accidental 'S' transferred when I copy c/v'ed this. Many thanks! Huh. I thought the reveal about what they're looking for was going to be something really tied in to the main plot. It seems weird to me that in the introductory chapter, they're looking for something unimportant enough that you haven't decided it yet. But maybe it makes more sense in context, like the mission in the first chapter will introduce what their work is like even if it's not directly relevant.
When I talked about a clear goal, I actually just meant for these opening paragraphs— I wanted to know what to hope for in these little movements basically. She's scanning the building. What should I hope for? Them to solve a mystery? Them to not die?
Oooohh. I understand now. Another smart idea to include. It is so focused on atmosphere, cinematic-style immersion, and character intros that they need a little 'need' . |
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 23, 2024 23:19:55 GMT -6
A new version. I think its improved a little bit.
##
Ellexis scanned one of the buildings pockmarked with bullet holes using her heads-up display. Digital lines followed the edges of walls as her curved screen outlined them. A green holographic scale showed measurements of its outer structure. Crickets chirped in the tree line behind them, as they had for over three hours. Nice nighttime detail to mask her team’s approach just a little, she thought. What her intel claimed was here – a nuclear scientist P.O.W from the planet Axiom - might be easier to retrieve and exfil .
“Got ‘em by the tail,” she whispered to her team through her radio. “Radio silence on my mark.”
Rising from her crouching position , she gave a two-finger point toward the closest administration building, where a maintenance door and a ladder were built into the steel.
“Mark.” Her three fireteam members blinked at mute icons in their HUDs, then followed her.
Inside, they climbed the metal stairs with the silence of a Mercurian jaguar . At its top, she quietly twisted a door handle to see a hall. Ellexis motioned at something down it after giving another scan. Gareth, the Private behind her, nodded while sweeping a collapsible metal detector in front of them.
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
