Story Intro

[Behemoth]

Looking for your critique on this opening. Rip it up. Eager to learn something. 



The moon over St. Uriel’s was full. Clutching his prayer beads, Isaac stared forward at the church with reverence – this had been his spiritual home his entire life, both as a young man being brought by his parents, on into the time that he had decided to become a monk. The smell of incense was in the air, wafting, pleasing, composed of gums and spices, and the light of votive candles danced behind stained glass, depicting saints and angels.



“May the Lord shine His face upon you, and visit you with grace, Isaac.”



“Father Seraphim!” replied Isaac, as the old priest took a couple of steps to stand beside him, both of them staring toward the church. “You startled me.”



“It’s always a beautiful sight in the evening. Incense is always wafting, candles lit, involving all of the senses, so that we might worship and contemplate while fully engaged. It’s a blessing.”



Isaac nodded, pleased with Seraphim’s words. The old priest took his station to heart – to profess the faith from his capacity as a man of God, one’s speech should always be seasoned with the teachings, with humility, and with grace.

[ScintillaMyntan]

It sets the scene well with those sensory descriptions — I liked being in this cool, atmospheric church scene at night. First paragraph is well-written with a nice varied sentence structure. Isaac's admiration of the church and of the priest's speech at the end does well at conveying his deep internal devotion to the faith.

What's missing to me is some small hint at least of what's going on in this opening, why Isaac is arriving at the church at night. If he's a monk, does he live on the church grounds? His talking about the church setup with the priest implies that they don't worship here together at night regularly. There must be something special that leads the two of them to remark about it right now as though they don't talk about it often. I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to find significant about the event that is happening right now and how much of it deviates from Isaac's regular life. Just saying something like "he stared at the church with reverence, as usual" or "he hadn't been here in years" would answer that.

This intro doesn't suggest what the future conflict is going to be. Not saying that's good or bad. I think some readers like a problem to immediately catch their attention, but I didn't mind. But the absence of a conflict did lead me to read more into this opening, wondering if something you've already said is already meant to suggest conflict. The 'point' of the opening seems to be Isaac's strong faith, which makes me figure the plot is going to be about questioning it. Or I guess it could also be about him defending it. But in that latter case, if the whole message of the story is the importance of faith, talking so much about how devoted he is in the beginning seems a little preachy.

Father Seraphim's dialogue basically just repeats the stuff mentioned in the first paragraph, which makes it almost give the impression of being a little forced or something? As though it's trying to show that Isaac has internalized exactly what the church told him to feel and it shows he's overly subservient.

as the old priest took a couple of steps to stand beside him, both of them staring toward the church.

Really minor grammar point: I would separate these two because this has the two of them staring towards the church at the same time that the priest is stepping beside him.

[saintofm]

I get the idea this is the start of a story with a kid becoming a member of the clergy so I would like to see where this leads. It also tells me that given the nature of a man or woman of the cloth has to be free from many of the temptations of the world, what struggles will he be facing, or if the kid has second thoughts. If given the last line, does the kid have self doubts and the priest is going to do the Oogwai at the peach tree scene with him.