On the Arboretum Deck

[Soliton]

    On the Arboretum Deck

word count = 19



        The soul refreshing comfort of the forest brought him near that contentment that was missing, but still there was a missing detail. Here squirrels ran among the small trees, singing finches filled the air. Dragon flies and butterflies darted among the watered flowers. As he strolled along the sandy pathway, a squirrel threw an acorn at him.


        Today, the deep field plasma walls displayed a storm coming in over far hills into a valley. In the scene, crepuscular rays danced across meadows. Like the animals, birds, insects, and the plants of the Arboretum Deck, the human crew needed a preserve for medicinal solitude from the long duty shifts of stardrive. Here in the Arboretum, Alan would sit waiting patiently for that final detail of his contentment.


        “Hey there ace, nice day out here. What were you thinking about?” Cora, the last detail, arrived along the sandy path. Her red hair gleamed in a soft cloud of light. She sat touching him, her head tilted toward him and gave Alan a curious smile.


        “Just waiting for you, the pinnacle of my contentment.”


        “That squirrel hit you with that acorn, didn’t she,” Cora said.

[RAVENEYE]

Hi, Soliton! Great to see you back! 

Mar 5, 2021 0:59:04 GMT -6 Soliton said:

    

        The soul(-)refreshing comfort of the forest brought him near that contentment that he was missing ("he" makes for less passive phrasing), but still there was a missing detail (highlighting word repetition). Here squirrels ran among the small trees, singing finches filled the air. Dragonflies and butterflies darted among the watered flowers. As he strolled along the sandy pathway, a squirrel threw an acorn at him.


        Today, the deep field plasma walls displayed a storm coming in over far hills into a valley. In the scene, crepuscular rays danced across meadows (love this word-weaving here). Like the animals, birds, insects, and the plants of the Arboretum Deck, the human crew needed a preserve for medicinal solitude from the long duty shifts of stardrive. Here in the Arboretum, Alan would sit waiting (this could stand a bit more development to increase emotional impact of the moment she arrives. Do they meet here on a daily basis? Do duties make it difficult to meet up at all? Of course, if this info is established earlier in the story, there's probably no need to repeat it here.) patiently for that final detail of his contentment.


        “Hey there(,) ace, nice day out here. What were you thinking about?” Cora, the last detail, arrived along the sandy path. Her red hair gleamed in a soft cloud of light. She sat touching him, her head tilted toward him and gave Alan a curious smile.


        “Just waiting for you, the pinnacle of my contentment.” (I highlighted these three statements about his object of contentment in red to show redundancy. Becomes a bit heavy-handed, almost as if you're not trusting your reader to get it or follow along, OR as if you haven't decided where the info goes best and are playing with placement. So if I had to choose, I would delete the middle time it's mentioned, "the last detail," especially since he tells her (and the reader) outright in his first line of dialog.)


        “That squirrel hit you with that acorn, didn’t she,” Cora said. 

Is this part of the other excerpts you've posted? If so, I'm interested to see how they all link up.