Valen: The Raibow Warrior

[pelwrath]

Valen parked his Ducati and walked toward the parked campers. Here? The Cardinal must have his facts wrong.

He noticed the demons to his left, running toward the tourists. I won’t be able to save them all. They were still invisible, ten churls- each a six-and-a-half-foot long monstrosity: The head of a wolf, the body of an ox and the arms of a gorilla, and a Pazuzu- it’s large chicken legs, human sized head of a fly, human torso with the arms of a panther. Demons live on the taste of fear created by humans, and they must appear to be able to kill. Valen ran and launched himself off a ledge, tumbling into the melee, surprising them all.


“A Rainbow Warrior!” the Pazuzu screamed. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”


Two churls turned toward Valen and leaped. He side stepped to avoid the first as the yellow head of his bident, Covanentes Arcus, slashed into its side. The other’s claw stung as it ripped through the armor and laced his right side. He twisted and brought the white/blue head of Covanentes Arcus across that demon’s neck, separating its head from its body.

[ScienceGirl]

Jun 27, 2021 0:34:47 GMT -6 pelwrath said:

Valen parked his Ducati and walked toward the parked campers. Here? The Cardinal must have his facts wrong. This is already a huge improvement over a lot of what I've seen from you so far. I love the choice of the Ducati, because this gives a very vivid picture of what kind of person Valen is. He obviously likes speed and image. The only issue I have with this first line is that you have him park his car and then he walks toward parked campers. So maybe a different word choice there. 

He noticed the Demons did some action to his left, running toward the tourists, and Valen did some action in response. I won’t be able to save them all. Much better here, too. You've introduced a high stakes situation right away. The thought is effective to add some tension. 

Just for fun, consider:  To his left, Demons carried cartons of ice cream cones, running toward the tourists, and Valen jingled the change in his pocket. 

To his left, demons scattered wildflower seeds, running toward the tourists, and Valen followed with a huge vacuum cleaner, sweeping them up. 

To his left, demons flashed jagged, pointed teeth, running toward the tourists, and Valen quickened his pace.

There are millions of actions you could put in here to be effective. It's implied that Valen notices because the demons appear in the story and we are writing from his POV. Saying "He noticed the demons" is telling and using the action as above is showing. 

They were still The invisible beings did some action, ten churls- each a six-and-a-half-foot long monstrosity: The head of a wolf, the body of an ox and the arms of a gorilla, and a Pazuzu- it’s large chicken legs, human sized head of a fly, human torso with the arms of a panther. This line needs some work. I like what you've got as far as the list of description. It's just reading more like a list right now, and a little confusing. You're starting to move away from the story back into telling. How can you reveal these details without just listing them? Easy, really. Just give them actions where they use those terrifying features in some way.

For example:

The ten invisible churls, each a six-and-a-half-foot monstrosity, bared their wolf-like teeth and swung their gorilla arms at random street signs and cars. Their ox-like bodies bumbled along the sidewalks, and their slanted wolf eyes danced with their hunger for the kill. A Pazuzu led their frenzied march, stomping its large chicken legs and bobbing its human-sized fly head. Clenched fists capped the end of its panther arms, and it let out a piercing shriek. Those poor tourists. If only they knew it was the taste of fear the beasts craved.  See how I gave all the same details you did, but I had each different piece of detail attached to a verb? The wolf-eyes slanted, the ox-like bodies bumbled, the human-sized fly head bobbed. Everything gets an action.

Demons live on the taste of fear created by humans, and they must appear to be able to kill. I tried to slip some of this into that last line, too. This is kind of an aside. Pulls you out of the story. 

Valen ran and launched himself off a ledge, tumbling into the melee, and surprised surprising them all. Nice. 


“A Rainbow Warrior!” the Pazuzu-screamed. The pazuzu's words imply that he's not being quiet. Lets give him a decisive action here. Unsheathing a sword, etc. Something to launch us into the battle with the characters. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”


Two churls leapt turned toward Valen and leaped. He side-stepped to avoid the first as the yellow head of his bident, Covanentes Arcus, slashed into its side. The other’s claw stung as it ripped through the armor and laced his right side. He twisted and brought the white/blue head of Covanentes Arcus across that demon’s neck, separating its head from its body. Nice! You're definitely starting to get it! Much, much better!

[pelwrath]

SG,
Thank you for those nice words. A Vespa is an Italian scooter, very popular in Italy and Europe. Also, an expensive model. Depending on the version it can go between 60-130km/hr.

I hate to admit that though I do see the difference I don’t grasp the difference. It’s better and that’s what’s important.

The story is in Italy and this location is a public park. I should’ve included that info.

I skipped that as I wanted as much information in 200 words as possible. Action, single POV. This is an Alternate History unfinished story that has more but is far from close to being done.

I’ll work on revising it.

Again, thank you.

[pelwrath]

Version 2

Valen parked his Ducati and headed for the RV and camping area. Walking makes it easier to spot the invisible demons. We’re god’s rainbow promise, we see them to better protect humans. The Gardens of Balsamo, the archbishop was right, an appropriate place for demons to appear.

Wood breaking on his left, caused him to look; bovine bodies of a pack of churls trampling picnic tables, their wolf heads growling, and their gorilla arms ready to rend. A Pazuzu had brought them to a frenzy, flicking them with his barbed whip, wielded by a panther’s arm. They quickly broke into a full run toward the tourists. I won’t be able to save them all.
The Pazuzu was stomping the ground with its large chicken legs, while its human-sized fly’s head cackled. It screeched twice; the churls stopped. “Immerse yourselves in their fear but not from the two unbaptized. Bring them to me.” The flick of his whip signaled their attack. Valen launched himself off a ledge and tumbled into the melee and surprised them all.
“It’s the Pluvia Proeliator! The leader of the Rainbow Warriors.” The Pazuzu used his proboscis to lick his whip. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”

[ScienceGirl]

Without making any changes, I'm going to do that paragraphing trick I did for you in the PM earlier. 

Jun 28, 2021 19:49:26 GMT -6 pelwrath said:

Version 2

Valen parked his Ducati and headed for the RV and camping area. Walking makes it easier to spot the invisible demons. We’re god’s rainbow promise, we see them to better protect humans. The Gardens of Balsamo, the archbishop was right, an appropriate place for demons to appear.

Wood breaking on his left, caused him to look; bovine bodies of a pack of churls trampling picnic tables, their wolf heads growling, and their gorilla arms ready to rend. A Pazuzu had brought them to a frenzy, flicking them with his barbed whip, wielded by a panther’s arm. They quickly broke into a full run toward the tourists. I won’t be able to save them all.
The Pazuzu was stomping the ground with its large chicken legs, while its human-sized fly’s head cackled. It screeched twice; the churls stopped. “Immerse yourselves in their fear but not from the two unbaptized. Bring them to me.” The flick of his whip signaled their attack. Valen launched himself off a ledge and tumbled into the melee and surprised them all.
“It’s the Pluvia Proeliator! The leader of the Rainbow Warriors.” The Pazuzu used his proboscis to lick his whip. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”

Valen parked his Ducati and headed for the RV and camping area. Walking makes it easier to spot the invisible demons. We’re god’s rainbow promise, we see them to better protect humans. The Gardens of Balsamo, the archbishop was right, an appropriate place for demons to appear.

Wood breaking on his left, caused him to look; bovine bodies of a pack of churls trampling picnic tables, their wolf heads growling, and their gorilla arms ready to rend.

A Pazuzu had brought them to a frenzy, flicking them with his barbed whip, wielded by a panther’s arm. They quickly broke into a full run toward the tourists. I won’t be able to save them all.

The Pazuzu was stomping the ground with its large chicken legs, while its human-sized fly’s head cackled. It screeched twice; the churls stopped. “Immerse yourselves in their fear but not from the two unbaptized. Bring them to me.” The flick of his whip signaled their attack.

Valen launched himself off a ledge and tumbled into the melee and surprised them all.


“It’s the Pluvia Proeliator! The leader of the Rainbow Warriors.” The Pazuzu used his proboscis to lick his whip. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”

See how much better that reads, even without revision? 

And now, to get nitpicky   Give you some advanced tips because I think you can handle them

I'm also going to add in some deep POV in green just to show you how it can be used. 

Valen parked his Ducati and headed for the RV and camping area. Walking made it easier to spot the invisible demons. We’re god’s rainbow promise, we see them to better protect humans. The archbishop was right. The Gardens of Balsamo was an appropriate place for demons to appear. Notice the tense change when I switched from direct thought to deep POV.

To his left, wWood broke breaking (maybe a better word for broke? Especially since you used it below. Snapped, cracked) Also, it's an effective strategy to put "to his left" at the beginning of the sentence to direct readers to think where he's seeing before telling what he sees. No need to say caused him to look because the description shows us that he's looking. on his left, caused him to look; Bovine bodies of a pack of churls trampleding picnic tables, their wolf heads growling, and their gorilla arms ready to rend. (A lot of times just changing "ing" to "ed" will make your writing more active.

A Pazuzu, wielding his panther's arm, flicked his barbed whip toward the churls, sending them into a frenzy. Again, notice the order of this. We see the Pazuzu flicking the barbed whip FIRST and THEN they go into a frenzy. Shows cause and effect.  had brought them to a frenzy, flicking them with his barbed whip, wielded by a panther’s arm. They quickly broke into a full run toward the tourists. I won’t be able to save them all.

The Pazuzu was stomping stomped again note the change from "ing" to "ed" the ground with its large chicken legs, while its human-sized fly’s head cackled. It screeched twice; the churls stopped. NICE and appropriate use of a semicolon. Great for pacing here. “Immerse yourselves in their fear but not from the two unbaptized. Bring them to me.” The flick of his whip signaled their attack.

Valen launched himself off a ledge and tumbled into the melee.  and surprised them all.  How can you show readers that they were surprised without explicitly telling this? And, who was surprised? The tourists? The demons? The Pazuzu? Give us just two or three more sentences of the action here. 

“It’s the Pluvia Proeliator! The leader of the Rainbow Warriors.” The Pazuzu licked his whip with his proboscis. used his proboscis to lick his whip. “Kill him first, then the mortals.”

I'm super proud of you, because what I just did is called tightening, and it's usually something I'm not able to do with writers until they've gotten really far with revision. Notice that even though I've cut a lot of your words, I've merely rearranged them and changed the verb tense. 


SO MUCH BETTER! 

[pelwrath]

I’ll have start using that paragraph separation tool in the future.

Yes I see a difference ( ing to ed) but I don’t grasp the reason you give. I think I see a shift from tell (was stomping) to show ( stomped).

Thank you for your kind and supportive words.


EDITED
Question: Why do you have the Pazuzu wielding his panther arm? He has a panther arm wielding a whip. It reads funny

[ScienceGirl]

It's just active vs. passive voice, which is essentially the same thing as show, don't tell. Active voice is having the characters physically do the action, which you can't accomplish with "was doing"

[pelwrath]

Passive= Tell
Active=Show

A general association or more permanent?

[ScienceGirl]

I would say a direct, permanent association. That’s how I was taught anyway.

[HDSimplicityy]

I was about to give a critique before I saw a few great ones already here. SO I back up what ScienceGirl did. And its much, muuuuuuuch better! Precision in action moments improve what the reader sees. Variation in word choice. Better and smoother logical flow of cause and effect, to use her words. Showing and telling.. yes the big one. Its as though the more you show what is important, expanding on those words, the stronger your writing is, then. Great work both of you!

[alliecartman248]

They were still invisible, ten churls- each a six-and-a-half-foot long monstrosity: The head of a wolf, the body of an ox and the arms of a gorilla, and a Pazuzu- it’s large chicken legs, human sized head of a fly, human torso with the arms of a panther.

-->

They were still invisible, ten churls and a Pazuzu. The churls were six-foot-long monstrosities: the head of a wolf, the body of an ox and the arms of a gorilla. The Pazuzu had large chicken legs, a fly head the size of a human one, and the arms of a panther on a human torso.

[pelwrath]

I see what you did and it’s smoother. Thanks.

[Valhalla Erikson]

Out of curiosity didn't you run a Kickstarter or Indigogo for this story? I asked because I remember running into a campaign that has this particular title.

[pelwrath]

Why would I run a kickstarter for a story? Is that a thing? Granted, I had a much more expanded world when I wrote this story but it never grew. This is only the opening, the full story is almost 5k.  Thanks for the question though.