The Cambion Proposal revised

[pelwrath]

I said I was revising as I was reading my scores and getting some tutorial assistance.


The Cambion Proposal-revision

Lathark, Cambion Prince of Splendor, slid his ebon-mauve finger across the crisp pages of his book. He fidgeted on his obsidian and white-gold seat.

“My dreadfully impressive wings, weren’t made for this throne.”


Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark, bound to a service for my offering.

“What was that?”
Mists formed around his twelve-pack abs, swirling to his face, clouding his vision. He slammed the book shut and lifted his head.

“Who in the gods damned names interrupts me?”


Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak…

Lathark’s hand flicked, transforming his couch into a huge scrying mirror.



A human female appeared. Baskets containing blue sand from the shores of Ixatha, crushed red rubies, sapphires, lavender and cinnamon candles. Her words? Precise. Her offering? Lathark nodded. More than adequate to satisfy his greed and awaken his mild curiosity.



He caught his reflection in the mirror and flicked his hand again. The thickening mists engulfed his perfectly toned and chiseled human body. He swapped the book for his phantom mask and stepped into the perfect pentagram as the female's face became clearer.



She’s unattractive, and that’s being kind. Few have the knowledge and power to summon me. How incredibly attractive and seductive!

[HDSimplicityy]

The Cambion Proposal-revision

Lathark, Cambion Prince of Splendor, slid his ebon-mauve finger across the crisp pages of his book. He fidgeted on his obsidian and white-gold seat Show us what he fidgets with. It could ask us why, or give a hint.

“My dreadfully impressive wings, weren’t made for this throne.” (He grins/smiles/sighs/says with a tone of voice). It comes across as monotone.


Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark, bound to a service for my offering. So this isn spoken aloud yet you format it in italics. It means its coming as a thought, not as a voice, seeing as coming up a woman appears. Change this to dialogue. Intrigue the reader. What does the voice sound like? Where is it coming from? Does it cause air in the room to shudder?

“What was that?”
Mists formed around his twelve-pack abs (Daaaaang), swirling to his face, clouding his vision. He slammed the book shut and lifted his head.

“Who in the gods damned names interrupts me?”


'Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak…"

Lathark’s hand flicked, transforming his couch into a huge scrying mirror.

I was confused if this faces him or the incoming character. Would explain how he can see his reflection. Like his couch spun a 180 degree circle and there was no indication.

A human female appeared. Baskets containing blue sand from the shores of Ixatha, crushed red rubies, sapphires, lavender and cinnamon candles. (Extravagant! What is she wearing? Long flowing hair? I need a bit of imagery) Her words? (Yeah... words... lets see those. unless he is in a daze and they go in one ear and out the other, haha.) Precise. Her offering? Lathark nodded. More than adequate to satisfy his greed and awaken his mild curiosity.



He caught his reflection in the mirror and flicked his hand again. The thickening mists engulfed his perfectly toned and chiseled human body. (huh He is human too, or a human version of whatever figure. Coolio.) He swapped the book for his phantom mask and stepped into the perfect pentagram as the female's face became clearer.

Id like to know why a mask.

She’s unattractive, and that’s being kind. Few have the knowledge and power to summon me. How incredibly attractive and seductive! You use no quotations or italics here, yet it could be either one. Make sure to add those!

Thoughts:

Neat scene! Seems like an introduction moment. It gives me a little information of who the male character might be: this powerful, greedy, lusty man-figure-creature thingy. Imagery needs work. I could visualize most of it anyway. I did not notice grammar problems reading through this. Keep at it!

[pelwrath]

HD,
Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Unfortunately, 200 words aren't enough to portray all I wanted to. I chose to concentrate on the summoning from Lathark's POV. Of course, I'll look at making improvements.
Lathark is the Cambion Prince of Splendor, so much easier to achieve to a summoner when you look like they do. The half mask is to add a bit of mystery. Of all the 'clothing' he could have created, he chose a half mask.
Some of the quotes/italics issues are me working on deep POV so changing them doesn't seem a problem.

I also wish to thank ScienceGirl for her patience and help in working with me on the revision, she deserevs credit for any improvement.