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Post by pelwrath on Oct 1, 2020 23:22:49 GMT -6
The opening of a space opera story.
Calisto, Terran Confederation
I open my eyes. I see in the mirror; my left eye is bandaged. I can make it a fashion statement. I’m hooked to several machines, heart rate, pulse, breathing, and an EEG monitor. A cast on my right leg and a carapace on my chest. It’s painful trying to sit, about a six. At least I’m alive. A nurse and a doctor enter the room. Well now that nurse does make me thankful for one eye’s sight.
“Well Mr. Umbrae, nice to see you back with us.” The doctor says
“I’m Dr. Ralph Thesaurus and this is head nurse and Lillian McComb.”
Umbrae?!
“You’d better check your chart’s Doc. I’m Derrick Champlain, my father is Pelagir Champlain.”
The doctor shook his head. “Mr. Umbrae, Derrick Champlain was the driver of the air car you were in when it crashed. You suffered a major concussion, three broken ribs, a broken leg and almost lost your eye. Your friend Derrick was hurt, though not as bad. Mr. Pelagir Champlain has taken care of any medical expenses you might incur. You are Tancred Bartolommeo Umbrae. You’ve been in the Louis Pasture hospital for three weeks, unconscious till just now.”
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Post by RAVENEYE on Oct 2, 2020 9:42:46 GMT -6
Oooh, switched identities, fun stuff.
The opening use of a mirror raised a flag. A believability thing. Dude is hooked up to machines in a hospital room, lying in a bed, and the two times I've been in a hospital having woken up from surgery, the last thing available to my immediate surroundings was a mirror. But this is the first thing he notices? I suggest a bit more confusion on his part, perhaps. Noticing/hearing the machines first, whatever the ceiling looks like, how his body feels after having been unconscious for three weeks, etc. Then as he's exploring the damage done to him, he becomes aware that he's not seeing things right, there's swaddling blocking his peripheral vision, then finds the bandage over his eye--with a hand, not a mirror, unless that mirror is on the ceiling...
The confusion over his identity is intriguing, and I'm curious to keep reading and see why the doctor thinks he's someone else.
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Pel's Ire
Oct 2, 2020 9:54:17 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by pelwrath on Oct 2, 2020 9:54:17 GMT -6
The mirror was on the inside of the bathroom door, not that he could use it. It’s not amnesia or a mental thing but the name gets explained shortly but beyond 200 words.
Yes, seeing the scene in my mind did make me get it out of order, thanks. I’ll revise. The doctor thinks it’s due to the concussion. I’ll think of putting more up were you had the 2k story posted. As I line puns and twists, Pel’s Ire is a fancy way of saying Pel’s Wrath or Pelwrath. Just my humor.br]
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Post by bilance on Oct 5, 2020 6:22:16 GMT -6
“I’m Dr. Ralph Thesaurus and this is head nurse and Lillian McComb.” Looks great. Many things were establish over in such a short time as well as a reveal of his personality. But I'm not sure if this was a mistake but the total number of people who entered didn't add up. Is the head nurse Lillian McComb? Other than that great opening and I hope that whatever comes next can fully hook me into the plot of the story. |
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Post by StarGirl06 on Oct 5, 2020 12:31:03 GMT -6
This is interesting, especially the mix up of his identity. I laughed a little when he thought he was thankful for having eye's sight because of the nurse. However I do agree with Raveneye over the mirror, I've seen that's a cliche to try to avoid when describing a character, maybe you could have him feel the bandage over his eye instead.
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Post by Soliton on Oct 17, 2020 20:34:31 GMT -6
Technical stuff (and I'm no expert):
First paragraph. I see the italic thoughts mixed with the first person POV. Is this proper form? Should the thoughts be there own paragraph?
He opened his eyes when one was totally bandaged...confusing.
Sentenc: ...us." The doctor says.
shouldn't this be ...us," the doctor said.
Sentence:
Umbrae?!
Should we avoid these ?! and describe the feelings instead?
Plot stuff:
Having come out of heart surgery, I was semi conscious for about a day, even when they made me walk down the hall. So this exchange would be real only after about a week coming out of a coma. I believe the intent is present the mystery of his miss-identification. Perbaps starting with the last paragraph and drop the others. That hooks us on the mystery and the confused mix-up follows.
I am interested in solving these questions on the next pages I would read. This is an interesting approach.
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Post by pelwrath on Oct 19, 2020 20:38:06 GMT -6
Technical stuff (and I'm no expert): First paragraph. I see the italic thoughts mixed with the first person POV. Is this proper form? Should the thoughts be there own paragraph? He opened his eyes when one was totally bandaged...confusing. Sentenc: ...us." The doctor says. shouldn't this be ...us," the doctor said. Sentence: Umbrae?! Should we avoid these ?! and describe the feelings instead? Plot stuff: Having come out of heart surgery, I was semi conscious for about a day, even when they made me walk down the hall. So this exchange would be real only after about a week coming out of a coma. I believe the intent is present the mystery of his miss-identification. Perbaps starting with the last paragraph and drop the others. That hooks us on the mystery and the confused mix-up follows. I am interested in solving these questions on the next pages I would read. This is an interesting approach. Soliton, Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. That's a good idea, do I really need him coming out of a comma, as the opening? Yes, that is the intention due to the reason, which, I think, is explained a little later. |
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