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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:46:38 GMT -6
Title: The Ones Left Behind Genre: space opera Trigger warnings: n/a The Ones Left Behind Jetda’s grandmother used to say, ‘Make all the plans you like. It’s the detours that determine your destiny.’ So when the distress signal lit up her monitors, Jetda hesitated only two seconds before recalibrating her coordinates. Her finger hovered over the green ‘accept?’ icon. The implant in her head said, “The detour will lengthen your journey by 15.67 cycles.” “Is that a problem, C.A.T.?” “Fifteen point six-seven cycles minimizes Captain Fayum’s survival rate by twelve percent.” “We are not going back for him,” Jetda shouted. “Fayum wasn’t concerned about us when he landed on that blight of a planetoid! He got Xai eaten, and God knows who’da been next. All for a sliver of aurenium. Crazy bastard can keep his aurenium.” Jetda had been hired to keep the Electra II running, not voice objections. If she had known the crew would treat her worse than a Cetian slave, she’d never have joined up. Screw them. “I’m captain now.” She punched the green icon. # The ship was one of those luxury numbers. The kind reserved for diplomats and corporate colonists. The kind pirates loved to terrorize. Good thing Jetda had dumped the pirates on that planetoid. She silenced the ping
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rim07
Smoke
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Post by rim07 on Jun 19, 2022 8:29:44 GMT -6
Technical: I have questions about 'accept?'. I'm guessing that it is supposed to be like the prompts or requests that we get on our computers. Or was the '?' added mistakenly?
'Jetda hesitated only two seconds'- I think a 'for' is missing here.
'Jetda had been hired to keep the Electra II running'- maybe a new paragraph could be started here.
'joined up'- only joined might've been more appropriate here based on the context so far
“I’m captain now.”- Should it have been 'I'm the captain now."?
Score:3.89
Artistic: First of all, I do like the concept. I think that the missing full stop at the end is either a mistake or it just shows that there is more after that to read. I can't point out why but I do like what Jetda's grandmother said. Is 'punch' the right word here? Because in my head I am imagining a screen, more specifically a touch screen. Maybe Jetda slapped the screen or like the youtubers say, 'Smashed the screen'.
Score:3.95
Prompt: It does feel like Jetda has to make a drastic decision since her crew mate did something rash. I think it fits the prompt.
Score:4.23
avg=4.0233
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 25, 2022 11:26:48 GMT -6
Title: The Ones Left Behind Genre: space opera Trigger warnings: n/a The Ones Left Behind Jetda’s grandmother used to say, ‘Make all the plans you like. It’s the detours that determine your destiny.’ (GREAT line) So w(W)hen the distress signal lit up her monitors, Jetda hesitated only two seconds before recalibrating her coordinates. Her finger hovered over the green ‘accept?’ icon. The implant in her head said (Saying 'said' lowers the tension. An alternative word might be 'advised'. Or a phrase that heightens the AI's awareness of the situation. It is an AI if I understand correctly) , “The detour will lengthen your journey by 15.67 cycles.” “Is that a problem, C.A.T.?” “Fifteen point six-seven cycles minimizes Captain Fayum’s survival rate by twelve percent.” “We are not going back for him,” Jetda shouted. “Fayum wasn’t concerned about us when he landed on that blight of a planetoid! He got Xai eaten, and God knows who’da been next. All for a sliver of aurenium. Crazy bastard can keep his aurenium.” Jetda had been hired to keep the Electra II running, not voice objections. (This line is great if this were a longer piece. Focusing it on the scene at hand, not the why, for a short piece keeps the tension rising) If she had known the crew would treat her worse than a Cetian slave, she’d never have joined up. Screw them. “I’m captain now.” (Captain Philips reference?) She punched the green icon. # The ship was one of those luxury numbers. The kind reserved for diplomats and corporate colonists. The kind pirates loved to terrorize. Good thing Jetda had dumped the pirates on that planetoid. She silenced the ping Ooo. She's mad. This ends the drama soon. But for a short piece, it works.
Technical: 3.75
Pretty strong snippet. SPaG is well done. Spelling is also good. The alien-y names are a great touch.
Artistic: 4
Space Operas are fun. This isn't Star Wars, yet this has potential in being an enjoyable romp. In fact, I do hope whoever wrote this makes this into a short story.
Prompt: I still can't locate the context announcement with the prompt. It sounds on point, so 5.0
Total: 4.25/5
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Post by Soliton on Jun 25, 2022 22:24:55 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
You certainly packed a lot into under 200 words. The feeling of frantic decisions, uncertainty, and tension was crafted well.
I noted you used “15.67 cycles”, then later “Fifteen point six-seven cycles” was used later. I like the 15.67 cycles for fast visual understanding, but the word form lends itself for the verbal reading impact.
Not sure what “C.A.T” meant.
The pacing, grammar, and spelling are correct.
SCORE: 4.0
Artistic Writing Elements:
I had to read the entry several times to get the drifts. Several threads and questions were raised for the following story. The story begins with a sense of confusion and indecision. There was strong urgency to escape a place which had killing beasts. There is an ominous tension between Jetda and the crew. I liked the interaction tension between the crew.
I liked the exotic names: Jetda, Xai, aurenium, and Cetian. For me, these add to the setting and alien setting well. No mention of the planet name, but well there are just so many of them out there. One looks like another after a while.
The paragraph ends in a cliff hanger mentioning space pirates (who never go away).
SCORE: 4.5
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” was addressed well when Fayn was left behind. Wording indicated he could survive for a while.
SCORE: 5.0
TOTAL: (4.0+4.5+5.0)/3 = 4.5
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 26, 2022 20:27:52 GMT -6
Jetda’s grandmother used to say, ‘Make all the plans you like. It’s the detours that determine your destiny.’i liked that line. So When the distress signal lit up her monitors, Jetda hesitated only two seconds before recalibrating her coordinates. Her finger hovered over the green ‘accept?’ icon.
The implant in her head said, “The detour will lengthen your journey by 15.67 cycles.”
“Is that a problem, C.A.T.?”
“Fifteen point six-seven cycles minimizes Captain Fayum’s survival rate by twelve percent.”
“We are not going back for him,” Jetda shouted. “Fayum wasn’t concerned about us when he landed on that blight of a planetoid! He got Xai eaten, and God knows who’da been next. All for a sliver of aurenium. Crazy bastard can keep his aurenium.” Jetda had been hired to keep the Electra II running, not voice objections. If she had known the crew would treat her worse than a Cetian slave, she’d never have joined up. Screw them. “I’m captain now.” She punched the green icon.
#
The ship was one of those luxury numbers. The kind reserved for diplomats and corporate colonists. The kind pirates loved to terrorize. Good thing Jetda had dumped the pirates on that planetoid.
She silenced the pingGood line.
Technical Aspect: I liked the first part very much, intriguing and well written. The last part created questions, still good writing but it felt out of place. it seemed to go from a mining ship to a pirate ship to a cruise ship.Jetda is a nice character and even though surprising, the pirates being abandon is good.
Score: 4
Artistic Aspect: Similar here but the opening is a descent hook, I like the writing and that's what this contest is about.
Score: 4.5
Prompt Use: Weak here. The pirates were abandoned. Captain Fayum might have been abandon looking for his aurenium, but Jetda isn't. Good and solid opening, hope you continue this story.
Score: 3
Final score: 4 + 4.5 + 3=11.5/3=3.83
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 27, 2022 19:43:58 GMT -6
Technical Aspects:
First, the cuts I would make:
You could totally cut this out since the sentence before tells us she already accepted and rerouted, or at least it's heavily implied. To backtrack and say her finger hovers over the accept icon feels contradictory to what we've already been told.
A couple small things, I would change "said" to something more descriptive to give us an idea of what this is like for her. If you cut out the previous portion I indicated, it gives you a few extra words to play with regarding word count restrictions. Like, "The implant in her head alerted, causing a slight ringing in her ears." What's it like to have an implant speak to you? Is is audible to all or just the person with the implant? Is it like mind-speak? A few extra words could help ground us in this experience with Jetda.
Also, be sure to be consistent when writing numbers in a story. I believe it's correct grammar to spell it out, like you did the second time rather than writing the numerals.
This line raises more questions than is answered and I know it's a short piece but that means each sentence and word should give us a clear sense of the story/situation. Hired by whom? From where? The paragraph this comes from seems to be confusing to me. Is Fayum deserted on a planet? How did she pick up the ship if he's deserted? Is she on a rescue mission? Doesn't seem like it....to say she had been hired to keep the ship "running" is really generic. Was she hired to take over for the captain? "keep the Electra II running" is vague and I'd like more carefully chosen words to demonstrate her responsibilities.
If you remove the sentence above about her finger hovering over the icon, then you can delete this part now. Ending that section with "I'm captain now." Gives it more of a punch, too.
Took me multiple read-throughs to determine you meant the ship in distress, not The Electra II. One more descriptive word would've helped, like "The distressed ship".
Just some preferences. Cutting and combining sentences, changing a word for clarification, taking out extraneous words. Adding clarifying language.
3.5
Artistic Elements:
Now that the technical is out of the way, I really thought the first line was super strong. It pulled me in and gave me some interesting context to the Jetda's actions. I didn't question why she'd choose to detour and help a ship in distress. I did want some more clarification as to the circumstance in which she finds herself captain of this ship. Her outburst felt a little disjoined and since words are so valuable for this small snippet, I thought it could've been used to give better/stronger context. However, the real question is: would I keep reading? Probably, once the technical issues are cleaned up and tightened.
3.8
Prompt:
Hm. Abandoned. I don't know. Is she a lone explorer? (But since I'm not sure if that aspect of the prompt is actually required, I will focus on "abandoned".) There was mention of a crew. We have an abandoned captain on a planet somewhere (I think) but that's not her...she isn't abandoned. The ship she rescues isn't abandoned, is it? Did she do the actual abandoning of the captain? Is that the center of the conflict of the story? So many questions. Does this fit the prompt? Partially.
3.5
TOTAL:
3.6
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2022 17:43:54 GMT -6
Technical:
I'd keep the use of numbers consistent. In one instance, they are spelled out and in the other, they are not. Far from an important point, but consistency is nice. Otherwise, I noticed nothing major in terms of spelling or grammatical content. I was intrigued as to what "C.A.T." stands for and imagine a voice similar to that of "HAL" in "2001." However, I like the not knowing. The hook is spot-on.
3.75
Artistic:
There are many unanswered questions here, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I wonder how Captain Fayum got to be left behind, what manner of monster devoured poor Xai, and why the crew treated Jetda so badly. The mention of Jetda's grandmother gave the entry a delightful "homey" touch. It took me a couple of run-throughs to realize that that the referenced "luxury ship" was the one in distress mentioned at the beginning of the tale. I originally took it to be the Electra II. The pirates were an interesting addition. I wonder if they got "dumped" on the same plantetoid as Captain Fayum. Excellent beginning. I'd be very interested to find out what comes next. Applause for making the new captain of the ship female by the way.
4.25
Prompt:
Jetda is somewhat abandoned within the Electra II since there appears to be no mention of any other crewmates....maybe they're all on that "blight of a planetoid." (Wonder how Jetda pulled that one off!!!!!) In any event, it seems as though all other crew members have been abandoned, so I think it fits the bill. Not sure about the "lone explorer" aspect, but I'll make the stretch.
4.50
TOTAL:
4.16
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labrat
Spark
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Post by labrat on Jun 30, 2022 15:15:45 GMT -6
Technical: SpaG is good, the only thing that really stuck out to me is how you used numerals for "15.67" and then later spelled out the words. Also, not having dialogue tags or action beats for these two lines left me confused about who was saying this. Is the second line from the implant in her head or someone else with her? “Is that a problem, C.A.T.?” “Fifteen point six-seven cycles minimizes Captain Fayum’s survival rate by twelve percent." Also I like your use of italics, and as far as hooks go, it left me wanting to know more. Score: 4.5 Artistic: Great job with world-building and use of alien names. You can tell how frustrated she is, and then at the end when she silences the ping, I can clearly visualize the smug expression that must be on her face. I would love to see this expanded into a short story to flesh things out more. Score: 4.5 Prompt: She seems to be abandoned on the ship, but then there's the idea that she is abandoning the captain as well. Score: 4.75 Average score: 4.58 |
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 30, 2022 21:09:37 GMT -6
Technical This may well be my fault, but I got confused until looking at some of the other critiques. Since there's a distress signal followed by a mention of Fayum's survival rate, I thought it was Fayum who sent the distress signal. So I thought Jetda chooses not to act on his signal, going on a "detour" instead to spite him. It doesn't help that C.A.T. still assumes she's headed towards him, so I thought she was journeying in his direction to begin with. I was confused because I was like "detour to where?"
For clarity, I might mention the location of the distress signal as being away from the planetoid that Fayum was abandoned on so we know it isn't him, or have her speculate about who sent the signal.
The number is spelled out once and written as numerals the other time. Other than that, didn't see any mechanical errors. Personally not a fan of spelling 'who'd have' as 'who'da,' but whatever.
4
Artistic
I like the opening with the quote from her grandmother — it's a good quote, and it's playful how it becomes meaningful in a literal way.
It's fun when the point-of-view character is the questionable one. We expect the protagonist to be someone level-headed and relatable, but Jetda's as wacky and controversial as you'd expect a side character or antagonist to be. Jetda's dialogue and internal monologue are nice and sassy.
It works as a hook. You've given us plenty to wonder about: the setting and why they're exploring space, the pirates, Jetda herself. She would be a frightening captain, being that vengeful. The title suggests Fayum or the pirates are going to play a major part, and what's that encounter going to be like? There are many possible beginnings of interesting tales here.
5
Prompt Jetda abandons Fayum. But the "lone explorer finds an abandoned something" doesn't seem to hold up. Jetda is an explorer, but she's not alone since she has a crew. And she's the one doing the abandoning.
3.5
Score 12.5/3 = 4 1/6 = ~4.1678
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Post by Ruhaab on Jul 1, 2022 7:29:54 GMT -6
Technical -
It seems perfect to me apart from a few grammatical problems.
Score - 4
Artistic -
Her finger hovered over the green ‘accept?’ icon. I feel more can be expressed with more intriguing words and sentences. Need to work on it.
Score - 3
Prompt -
I feel it is missing here. Can do more usage of it.
Score - 2
Total - 3
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Bird
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Post by Bird on Jul 1, 2022 18:33:20 GMT -6
Title: The Ones Left Behind Genre: space opera Trigger warnings: n/a The Ones Left Behind Jetda’s grandmother used to say, ‘Make all the plans you like. It’s the detours that determine your destiny.’ So when the distress signal lit up her monitors, Jetda hesitated only two seconds before recalibrating her coordinates. Her finger hovered over the green ‘accept?’ icon. The implant in her head said, “The detour will lengthen your journey by 15.67 cycles.” “Is that a problem, C.A.T.?” “Fifteen point six-seven cycles minimizes Captain Fayum’s survival rate by twelve percent.” “We are not going back for him,” Jetda shouted. [[why shouted if implant voice is in her head?]] “Fayum wasn’t concerned about us when he landed on that blight of a planetoid! He got Xai eaten, and God knows who’da been next. All for a sliver of aurenium. Crazy bastard can keep his aurenium.” Jetda had been hired to keep the Electra II running, not voice objections. If she had known the crew would treat her worse than a Cetian slave, she’d never have joined up. Screw them. “I’m captain now.” She punched the green icon. [[There is a LOT of new conlang words here. Not sure what Xai is, other than it eats people. Aurenium seems to be highly profitable if they are risking being 'Xai' eaten. Not sure what a "Cetian" is - an ethnicity? An alien race?]]# The ship was one of those luxury numbers. [[slang? I was expecting 'liners' or similar word so the word 'numbers' threw me off a bit.]] The kind reserved for diplomats and corporate colonists. The kind pirates loved to terrorize. Good thing Jetda had dumped the pirates on that planetoid. She silenced the ping
Technical:
I couldn't find any punctuation, spelling, or grammar errors. The slang used was consistent in Jetda's speech.
Score: 5
Artistic:
This is heavily loaded on the conlang (constructed language), so the outburst lost me, and I had to reread it three times. I think, if the 'Xai' don't feature in this story anywhere else, then drop it out to avoid confusion. "He got eaten" is more than enough. Also, if the implant and her both know what 'Xai' is, would it even be used in her outburst? It sounds more natural if its just the 'he got eaten.' Is Cetian the only race/ethnicity/alien that is a slave? Or is there others? I ask because if it's only Cetian - then it'd be normalized for her, so no need to mention it - leave it as just 'slave.' But if Cetian isn't the only slave, then I guess I can see the justification in using it -- that could imply a caste system within the slave system. I point this out since if Cetian slaves are not crucial to the plot or you don't mention them again, then that one would be safe to remove to add clarity to the scene. However, aurenium seems to be pretty crucial to her statement, so keep that one.
It's always a good thing to try to spread out the conlang for the world building as that eases the reader into your world and causes less confusion. Too much conlang in a short amount of time, and you can easily lose the reader. So be wary and careful as you distribute the conlang and names of various things in your world. Keep what is crucial to the plot, and delete what isn't.
As a tip: If this is slated to be a longer work, then you have a lot more leeway with using conlang, as you'll have more chances to expand and reveal more of the worldbuilding. In a shorter work, you don't have that luxury, so focus on giving worldbuilding through descriptions and the way people speak and move in the scenes and less through conlang (and conlang's needed descriptors).
Score: 3
Prompt:
She abandoned the pirates on that plantoid. She is answering a distress call -- is the ship she finds abandoned or not? I guess we'll find out? So I can stretch the prompt a bit to fit the abandoning a crew.
Score: 3
Final Score: 3.666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666667
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jul 3, 2022 1:21:08 GMT -6
Bird - Bahahaha! The way you post the total score cracks me up. You had me rolling. <3 ========================== @everyone - good grief, if I hadn't had to rush off in the middle of the contest and submit my entry before I felt it was ready, I HOPE I would've caught the fact that the abandoned thing in my story doesn't show up in this version until several paragraphs later. My original idea addressed the abandoned thing in the first bloody sentence, but did I go with that? Nooooo. Raveneye got to "crafting" and forgot about the bloody prompt until it was too late.  As for those pesky numbers, I was trying to go with Chicago's advice to not begin a sentence with numerals. That clearly didn't work though, so I reworked the sentence to fix it. Oh well. Now that the contest is over, I get to post the ENTIRE STORY for crits!!!  Yup, I wrote the whole thing after I got home from vacay. (I hope y'all did too ...Yes? No?) Not sure if the story works at all, but I enjoyed writing it. I'm gonna need some sci-fi people to tell me if I'm remotely near the mark -- or lightyears away.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jul 3, 2022 10:32:47 GMT -6
Technical - It seems perfect to me apart from a few grammatical problems. Do please let me know which grammatical problems you found. Specifically. Much appreciated. |
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Yup, I wrote the whole thing after I got home from vacay. (I hope y'all did too ...Yes? No?) Not sure if the story works at all, but I enjoyed writing it. I'm gonna need some sci-fi people to tell me if I'm remotely near the mark -- or lightyears away.
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
