Hook 'Em Contest 2022: Entry #4 - Bird (2nd Place)

[Caulder Melhaire]

Title: Piercing the Heavens
Genre: Science Fiction
Trigger Warnings: creepy creatures
Word Count: 199

Trúsrut nár rose from the canyon valley like woven metal threads, its height taller than the mountains that surrounded it. Along its ruined walls, vines and fungi glowed with hues of indigo, teal, and cerulean. Its foundation a perfect octagon, but it's doors and windows had long since caved in from rust, looting, and creatures nesting. Srunu leaned against vir carved staff with a hint of trepidation curdled with excitement. Arubesian fences hugged the outer perimeter, their stone faces carved with warning signs, no door in sight. The low murmur of wind through the ruined metal and stone harmonized with the crooning of unseen beasts. Secrets from the time of Silence lay inside, and no amount of danger signs would stop Srunu from vir quest. Who were vir people truly? Where did they originate? The tales sung by elders spoke of a blue-green world, which Srunu struggled to imagine. Vir homeworld was layered in hues of indigo and violet, the sun a reddish-orange splotch in a lavender sky.

Crunches of leaves and twigs behind them. Srunu instinctively pivoted into a defensive stance. A lone, short figure exited the shadows of the forest - virs partner, Méthó, late as usual.

[ScintillaMyntan]

Technical
Its foundation a perfect octagon
Missing 'was'? It doesn't seem like an intentional fragment, or at least there doesn't seem to be a reason to intentionally make this a fragment.

it's doors and windows
Should be 'its'

had long since caved in from rust, looting, and creatures nesting
This seems like a break in the point of view to me. Srunu can see that the door has caved in, but does vi know at a glance from what causes?

Crunches of leaves and twigs behind them. Srunu instinctively pivoted
Should be a comma instead of a period.
Also seems that Srunu's pronoun was switched from 'vi' to 'they' here?
4

Artistic
It sets a beautiful scene that looks ripe for adventure. I appreciate the colors; it feels good to read just because the mentions of all the vibrant colors stay in my head and look pretty there. It works as a hook for me simply because it just presents an inviting setting that I want to stay in and explore.

"Silence" is a well-chosen name for the period when the building was in use. It evokes curiosity as to why it's called that and how it relates to what's in the building that Srunu's going to be facing, while also just concisely giving some subtle support to the idea of 'secrets' in the sentence it appears in. And this tower is an abandoned place, which might now be literally silent. That one name just produces a lot of atmosphere. When I started reading this entry, I wanted to know what set this story apart from just another archaeological adventure, and the mention of Silence and Srunu's search for virs people's own lost history answered that.

The low murmur of wind through the ruined metal and stone harmonized with the crooning of unseen beasts.
And that's just cool.

The one thing is I wish there was a bit more hint of what conflict to worry about. Srunu has "trepidation" and there are warning signs, but roughly what type of danger is vi anticipating? Unseen beasts were mentioned, but I didn't know whether they were supposed to be inside the tower or outside, and then the fact Srunu gets worried at the end when twigs snap makes it sound like the beasts are outside. I'd like the risks to be just a bit less abstract, even if they're still vague, because right now I'm not getting much of a sense of danger.
4.5

Prompt
Srunu finds a ruin left behind by virs people. Srunu isn't alone in the end, but I think it counts.
5

Score: 4.5

[rim07]

Technical: 'Its' is repeated 3 times. It is not a mistake but it seems a bit repetitive. Was that put in intentionally? Or do you plan to edit that when the story expands?
'virs partner'- an apostrophe is missing here
Score:4.49

Artistic: I am excited to read what will happen next. Although, I am a bit confused about 'vir'. Is Srunu in 'vir'? Is it something from the past history of Srunu's world? But I do think the writer has painted a very beautiful picture in my head. At the same time I can also imagine a world that has lost so much of it's naturalness that there is always a prevailing 'video game' like backdrop. I could be very wrong about it but this is how I interpreted the setting of the story.
Score:4.45

Prompt: Rather than the character, I think the place 'Trúsrut nár' feels abandoned. I think it does fit the theme well.
Score:4.95

Avg=4.63

[RAVENEYE]

Technical: 4.3

Hook: This opening has me asking all the right things that would convince me to turn the page: gorgeous prose, solid setting, a character’s whose emotion I sympathize with, and a mystery. I mean, hello, what is the time of Silence??? I must know! Some readers might prefer an immediate introduction of the central conflict, but I think if it is somehow established with Metho’s arrival (in dialog?) then it’s soon enough. Won’t want to drag it out too much longer though.

Punctuation/spelling: I found one little punctuation slip here: “but it’s doors” should be “but its doors”. And in the last phrase is “virs” supposed to be “vir” as in “vir people” and “Vir homeworld”?

Organization: I would change one thing with the opening paragraph, as shown below:

Trúsrut nár rose from the canyon valley like woven metal threads, its height taller than the mountains that surrounded it. Along its ruined walls, vines and fungi glowed with hues of indigo, teal, and cerulean. Its foundation a perfect octagon, but it's doors and windows had long since caved in from rust, looting, and creatures nesting. Srunu leaned against vir carved staff with a hint of trepidation curdled with excitement. Arubesian fences hugged the outer perimeter, their stone faces carved with warning signs, no door in sight. The low murmur of wind through the ruined metal and stone harmonized with the crooning of unseen beasts.

(move the crossed-out sentence to this place and start new para. The crossed-out bit seems to come too early and interrupts the the setting description. Once the setting resumes with "Arubesian fences" I was like, wait, where did Srunu go? So maybe best to keep Srunu's actions/thoughts together.) Srunu leaned against vir carved staff with a hint of trepidation curdled with excitement. Secrets from the time of Silence lay inside, and no amount of danger signs would stop Srunu from vir quest. Who were vir people truly? Where did they originate? The tales sung by elders spoke of a blue-green world, which Srunu struggled to imagine. Vir homeworld was layered in hues of indigo and violet, the sun a reddish-orange splotch in a lavender sky.

Artistic: 4.7

There’s so much here that’s enjoyable. I think I can sum it all up under a single heading.

Imagery/setting/characterization: The imagery and world-building accomplished in this short space is so rich and vivid. And, IMO, these details are kept in balance with the introduction of the character. Discussing the setting first tells me that the setting itself will be one of the characters I am to care about. And by the time I meet Srunu, I am already so intrigued by the setting that vir emotional state is relatable and need not be belabored. Well done, IMO.

Prompt: 4.5

An explorer finds an abandoned city. The only problem is that they’re not alone. The prompt would’ve been 110% intact had the partner not showed up in the last sentence, LOL. If Metho was just a little “later” I wouldn’t have known (see what I did there?) I’m getting nitpicky, I know.

Total: 4.5

[Soliton]

Technical Writing Elements:
This entry begins world building early with descriptions of the setting. The unique names adds to this. Setting is immediately and detailed established. The hook for the reader are the ruins of a lost civilization of Vir and its mysteries. I am impressed with the impressive detail and imagination of the setting.

SCORE: 4.2


Artistic Writing Elements:
The opening sentences sets the mood and promises the reader a coming immersion into a new world. It will be filled with new vocabulary and spectacular wonders.

The ominous threat is implied by:
        creatures nesting
        warning signs

I loved this sentence:

        The low murmur of wind through the ruined metal and stone harmonized
        with the crooning of unseen beasts.

These sentences captures more of the mystery and ominous:
        Secrets from the time of Silence lay inside, and no amount of danger signs
            would stop Srunu from vir quest.
        Who were vir people truly? Where did they originate?
        The tales sung by elders spoke of a blue-green world, which Srunu struggled to imagine.
        Vir homeworld was layered in hues of indigo and violet,
            the sun a reddish-orange splotch in a lavender sky.

A cliffhhanger ends the entry as Srunu is startled by the approach of Méthó. It is a dangerous location.

SCORE: 4.5


Prompt: 
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” is hinted as Srunu ponders about the lost Vir civilization. Srunu is alone as later a companion joins.

SCORE: 5.0


TOTAL: (4.2+4.5+5)/3 = 4.6

[pelwrath]

Trúsrut nár rose from the canyon valley like woven metal threads, its height taller than the mountains that surrounded it. Along its ruined walls, vines and fungi glowed with hues of indigo, teal, and cerulean. Liked this description. Its foundation a perfect octagon, but it's doors and windows had long since caved in from rust, looting, and creatures nesting.

Srunu leaned against a vir carved staff with a hint of trepidation curdled with excitement. Arubesian fences hugged the outer perimeter, their stone faces carved with warning signs, no door in sight. The low murmur of wind through the ruined metal and stone harmonized with the crooning of unseen beasts. Secrets from the time of Silence lay inside, and no amount of danger signs would stop Srunu from vir quest. Who were vir people truly? Where did they originate? The tales sung by elders spoke of a blue-green world, which Srunu struggled to imagine. Vir homeworld was layered in hues of indigo and violet, the sun a reddish-orange splotch in a lavender sky.



Crunches of leaves and twigs behind them. Srunu instinctively pivoted into a defensive stance. A lone, short figure exited the shadows of the forest - virs partner, Méthó, late as usual.


Technical Aspect:  This is a hard catagory for this submission. In the I was ...noticeably chastized for having/using created language/words in a story, ConLang it's called.I read this several times. Do I know what an Arubesian fence is? Nope, but I don't need to. Just like vir, (though it's used in different ways a few times which was confusing). It adds to the descriptionan scene you've created and makes it more enjoyable.
  Now as to vir.  It's used as follows: against vir carved staff; Srunu from vir quest, who were vir people, Vir homeworld, and -virs partner, Metho, late as usual. I susbstituted to figure out it's use, earth. That seems to work.
Score:4.5

Artistic Aspect: You've done an very good job with your descriptions, colors for sight, sound of the wind, carved warning signs. I want to know more about tis place, Srunu, and Methlo. It's vibrant, alive and intriguing.
Score: 5.0


Prompt Use: Yes, you've accomplished the abandoned part.
Score: 5.0


Final Score: 4.5 + 5 + 5=14.5/3=4.83

[Alatariel]

Technical Aspect:

This was a very clean edit, only small things here and there I would change for clarity.

Srunu leaned against vir carved staff with a hint of trepidation curdled with excitement.

Okay so hear me out, I would switch the placement of trepidation and excitement. To me, excitement is the positive emotion. The word "curdled" implies something good turning bad, and since trepidation is the more negative emotion it makes more sense to me to say "a hint of excitement curdled with trepidation." To say something is curdled with excitement feels off to me.

Crunches of leaves and twigs behind them.

Is this an accidental slip of Srunu's pronouns?

Everything else looked super strong to me! Great pacing and flow. I'll talk more about the imagery in the artistic section.

4.5

Artistic Elements:

The imagery here is so vivid for such a short piece. I feel so immersed in this world already. The intrigue regarding the time of Silence will keep me turning the pages as well as the hints of a mysterious past for Srunu. I want to know why vir's there and what the quest is. There is a good sense of determination and uncertainty weaved in the wording, a sense of foreboding. I don't really have any suggestions or critiques. I was engrossed immediately and I'm hooked enough to keep reading. I have lots of questions, but I'm not frustrated or confused. I want to discover more about this world.

5

Prompt:

An abandoned....city? That part is still a bit unclear to me but I would keep reading to find out if I'm right. Given the opportunity to add more words, I might give more hints as to what Trúsrut nár used to be. A city or a temple or sanctuary or...? But I know it's abandoned and that's all I need. 

5

TOTAL:

4.8

[FoxxGlove]

Technical:
I came across no glaring spelling or grammatical errors. I found the use of "its" to be a little on the excessive side. I'm sure, given the author's obvious creative ability, there are ways around this repetition. I noticed one instance where "it's" was used in place of "its," i.e., "it's doors and windows." Also, in the final paragraph, there's reference to "Crunches of leaves and twigs behind them," which to me signifies more than one individual. Is Srunu not still alone at this point? I appreciate and applaud the gender-neutral stance, but does "them" qualify as such? Maybe so, since I'm not totally familiar with the intricacies and thus, I deduct no points for this...simply asking the question to improve my personal knowledge. This is an engaging piece which immediately draws the reader into the heart of the tale.
4.75

Artistic:
Wonderful descriptive passages. Perfect examples of creating vivid pictures courtesy of words. This had a definite epic feel and I would pay money to find out more regarding the Time of Silence. This strikes me as an effort as much in the art of world-building as anything else, since it appears to swing more in that direction than in a character study of Srunu. The names were also nicely non-gender. Beautiful title, by the way and skillful glimpse into past history.
4.80

Prompt:
Srunu certainly comes across as an explorer, doubt is cast on whether lone or not by the appearance of Metho, obviously known to Srunu in terms of a partner. Descriptions of the landscape indicate an abandoned area in my opinion, so that aspect definitely fits...just wavering a little on Srunu being in an abandoned state.
4.20

TOTAL:
4.58

[labrat]

Technical: Clean entry except for the repetitive use of "its" and the one misuse. Had to read it a few times before I realized what "vir" meant. At first I thought it an adjective to describe the staff, but that didn't make sense the next time it was used. Also, the use of "them" in the last paragraph confused me a bit since I thought Srunu was alone. In hindsight, it gave away the presence of Metho before they were introduced.

Score: 4.3

Artistic: Beautiful descriptive imagery that made me feel like I was there, and despite it being a fictional world, I want to go there, just to see the lavender sky and the mountain of Trúsrut nár. Well done!

Score: 5.0

Prompt: It is implied in the beginning that Srunu is alone, although at the end they discover they're not, and were actually expecting Metho. But the description of the landscape gives me the feel that it's been a long time since anyone set foot there

Score: 4.3

Total Score: 4.53

[Ruhaab]

Technical -
Some fundamental and typo mistakes can be improved.
Score - 2

Artistic -
You've done an very good job with your descriptions, colors for sight, sound of the wind, carved warning signs. I want to know more about tis place, Srunu, and Methlo. It's vibrant, alive and intriguing.
Socre - 4

Prompt -
IT's good usage.
Score - 4

Total - 3.33

[Bird]

Thanks all for the critiques! I'm really glad y'all liked this!

The setting is my Elivera world, and yes, I do plan on actually finishing this. I've just been dealing with more illness, so it's been writing bits and pieces of it here and there. I am really glad that the setting as a character came through for most of you. I had hoped for that.