Hook 'Em Contest 2022: Entry #7 - Ruhaab

[Caulder Melhaire]

Title: A Mystical World

Genre: Fantasy


Abdim, a young and courageous man, was looking at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon with fear and uncertainty. His boat was oscillating to and fro with the strong winds and ferocious waves; however, he somehow manages to keep the boat still. He is in the middle of nowhere in the dark grey water with a tinge of red. He is now remembering the words of his friends who warned him to not come into the sea of Devil.
Boom!
A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision. Suddenly, a colossal and strong wave emerges out of blue. It is coming towards the boat. Abdim has tried to move the boat out of the way, but nothing much he can do. A strong hit hurls the boat and Abdim into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness. A while later, when he wakes up, he is lying on a red-crystal beach. A storm has been revolving around the island continuously and the island seems the eye of the cyclone. He not only finds an abandoned land but also a mystical world.

[rim07]

Technical: I was a bit confused by the use of different tenses but I think I get it.
Score:4.78

Artistic: It is my personal opinion but this sort of story doesn't stand out too much. It seems a lot like typical adventure and fantasy story. However, I must admit that it is written very well. The sentences are cohesive and they flow smoothly. The descriptions are done nicely too.
Score:4.5

Prompt: I think it fits the prompt very well. I daresay that the prompt might've been very much the inspiration for this story.
Score:5

avg=4.76

[ScintillaMyntan]

Technical
I'm guessing the tense switching is intentional, but I don't see the point of it. I'm not sure what it's trying to communicate, and it just feels like a mistake. If you want the reader to understand that it's intended, I would suggest calling more attention to it, pointing it out early within the text. Maybe you could repeat the same phrase a couple of times in different tenses. For example: His boat oscillated — was oscillating — will oscillate — to and fro  — something like that. Something that makes the reader catch on that you're switching tenses as a literary device.

But still, I wouldn't. If you want to convey that he's confused and lost track of time, there are other ways to do that. If you want to convey a surreal atmosphere, there are other ways to do that too. The tense switching could pretty easily get annoying or confusing to the reader. For example:
A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision.
Here, the second sentence makes it sound like the thunder part happened a while ago, and cursing his decision is taking place a lot later, maybe after he wakes up. But it doesn't; it's the same scene.

Some readers will probably find fault with calling Abdim a "young and courageous man" because this steps out of his point of view; it is an outside narrator commenting on him. I think what you did is fine as long as a more distant storyteller is really what you're going for.

I like that there's a tinge of red in the water before he ends up on a red beach. While the story is wild and illogical for good reason, it helps connect the boat scene to the island scene so they follow a bit more sequentially and aren't just random. Though I wish I knew what you meant by a tinge of red. Is the seafloor red? Are some of the red crystals floating on the water? Or is the water itself a little red?

Grammar:
in the dark grey water
in dark grey water
come into the sea of Devil
come to the sea of Devil
out of blue
out of the blue
but nothing much he can do
but there was nothing much he could do
into the unconsciousness
into unconsciousness
2

Artistic
The way this passage is written, it reads like the summary stuff you'd put between the important parts of a story, and not an important part itself. It reads very quickly and skips over the details.

Two examples:
His boat was oscillating to and fro with the strong winds and ferocious waves; however, he somehow manages to keep the boat still.
We're told that he encounters a danger, and in the same sentence, it is resolved. That removes the suspense. It's like the only function of this sentence is to tell us that he encountered danger but survived. Whereas if you make the first part a separate sentence, the danger becomes important in itself, and the reader is kept worrying about him until they get to the second sentence.

Plus, "manages to keep the boat still" lacks the concrete detail of how he does that. You could say something like "struggled for control of the sails" and it'd be much more vivid with the same number of words.

He not only finds an abandoned land but also a mystical world.
This sentence is "telling, not showing." It would be exciting to see Abdim explore the land he got to and discover that it's abandoned and mystical. Why ruin it by just telling us what he figured out without showing us how he got to this conclusion? For the sake of the hook contest, I would've had him in that final sentence look around and see something that lets him and the reader know that the place is abandoned.

Again, this summary-styled writing is fitting for the unimportant material you'd use to connect the important scenes, like when you have a big event happen, "three weeks went by, and she pondered the issue before bed each night," and then you have your next big event. But the scene you've written is too crucial and dramatic to relegate to summary stuff.

And it really is an exciting start. If I started reading a story and it began with someone on a boat with a giant cyclone on the horizon, I'd want to read more to see that instant tension resolve. That was a good idea for a beginning. But the way it's written makes it feel rushed. It speeds up the time of the story.

Reducing the summary-like quality of this story as a whole is my main suggestion. But some individual lines to point out:

was looking at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon with fear and uncertainty.
This is a minor point, but I find ending the sentence with "fear and uncertainty" too wordy and anticlimactic. The end of the sentence should be the emphasized thing that makes you want to read to the next sentence. I would move the "fear" earlier: "looked with fear at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon." Or even better, don't mention his fear because it's obvious enough that a guy on a boat is going to be afraid of a storm. You could also show it through his actions: shuddering, or trying to figure out whether it's coming in his direction or not.

He is now remembering the words of his friends who warned him to not come into the sea of Devil.
Can be stated more briefly, "He remembered his friends' warnings about the sea of Devil," or even just "His friends had warned him about the sea of Devil" — the fact you're mentioning it will imply that he remembers it now.

A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down.
Nice sentence. This one is really good because it lingers on the impacts of the thunder, calling attention to the thunder itself and not just using it as a means to get logically to the next thing that happens. And it's just vivid and well-written.

a colossal and strong wave
Yeah, not everything that's colossal is also strong, but I do find it a little repetitive. One or the other is fine.

into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness.
I like the parallelism here, the play on words: the physical 'into' as well as the psychological one.

Could have been a much better story with attention to style and without the tense experimentation. I actually hope you will rewrite it someday.
1.5

Prompt
Abdim is a lone explorer and finds a land described as abandoned.
5

Score
8.5/3 = 2 2/3 + 1/6 = ~2.83

[RAVENEYE]

Abdim, a young and courageous man (let his actions/thoughts demonstrate these qualities instead), was looking at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon with fear and uncertainty (telling emotion instead of showing how it manifests. Step inside Abdim’s skin and relate to the reader his thoughts and actions about what he fears and why he’s uncertain. This will establish the stakes involved in the situation and cause the reader to care what happens to him). His boat was oscillated to and fro with in the strong winds and ferocious waves; however, he somehow manages (not a great idea to switch verb tense in the middle of a story, much less the middle of the sentence. It weakens the narration and flags the style as amateur) to keep the boat still (since the character would know, a bit of research is required so the author too has some idea what it takes to keep a boat steady in a storm). He is in the middle of nowhere (setting: he had to know where he was headed, so this is a great place to mention his destination goal, even why he was going there, and how interruptive the storm is) in The dark grey water with a is tinged with red (this indicates blood. Where does the blood come from? Or is there some other reason this color is in the water? Setting/world-building.). He is now remembereding the words of his friends (what phrases does he remember? Specific memories are good, will make Abdim more real) who warned him to not come sail into the sea of (the?) Devil.

Boom!

A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision. Suddenly, a colossal and strong wave emerges out of blue (a cliché). It is coming towards the boat. Abdim has tried to move the boat out of the way, but nothing much he can do. A strong hit hurls the boat and Abdim into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness. A while later, when he wakes up, he is lying on a red-crystal beach. A storm has been revolving around the island continuously (how does he know this?) and the island seems the eye of the cyclone. He not only finds an abandoned land but also a mystical world. (How does he know this land is abandoned? What makes it mystical? Show this instead.)

Technical: 1.5

The overarching issue I’m encountering is one of language. I don’t think the author’s first language is English. Whoever you are, Contestant, I admire you for writing in English. I couldn’t begin to try to write a story in another language and capture the subtleties required to make it sound right to the native speaker’s ear. In this piece, this language barrier results in phrases that sound fine by themselves, but, when taken together, don’t mesh.

SPaG: the above issue causes some grammatical mishaps, but spelling and punctuation is great.

Verb Tense: this is another biggie. Switching verb tenses like this is simply a no-no. There’s no reason for it. The scene would be great told either in past or in present, but not in both. It’s confusing, jarring, and unpleasant.

Artistic: 2

I would love to see more world-building and characterization built into the opening paragraphs. There’s a strong sense of setting, given the turbulent sea, dark water, etc. But I can’t tell if this story is meant to take place in our world or in a made-up world. As for Abdim, I don’t get a sense of who he is or what he wants. In this current draft he’s a stick-figure without goal or motivation. Why is he sailing? Was this a long journey or a day-trip? Is sailing his job or was he just getting away from family for the day? All of this can be conveyed in a short space, with few words, in a tight 3rd person POV.

Prompt: 3

This score because I feel that the last sentence, which addresses the prompt, is tacked on because the word count grew too long to convey this part of the story. If the author has trouble fitting the discovery into the opening, perhaps move the story forward in time, as Abdim is dragging himself up the sand with the wreck of his boat behind him and the storm swirling all around. Then show what convinces him the island is abandoned. Lots of ways to handle it and bring the prompt in sooner. The part that enters the story in a timely fashion is the lone explorer. Great!

Total: 2.17

[Soliton]

Technical Writing Elements: 
The hook was a lone person facing an oncoming developing cyclone in an open boat, a life threating situation. The narrative focused on the narrow, frightening, and ominous chances of survival. The pace is quick and engaging. The setting is clearly stated. The POV is clearly stated.

SCORE: 4.0


Artistic Writing Elements: 
I saw how the words “a young and courageous man” were threads throughout the story. For example, Abdim made a poor decision because he was young. Later, he showed great courage managing a fearful and terrifying experience that made him a man. This story reminded me of a coming-of-age story. The mood was foreboding by the term “sea of Devil.” The ending was a cliffhanger that begged a question and a mystery. Was Abdim dead in the spirit world or was he transported to a magical realm?

I liked this entry. It would be a good beginning of a child’s book. I would read on to find out more about Abdim and this “mystical world.”

SCORE: 4.0


Prompt: 
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” was clearly defined as Abdim alone found himself on a beach surrounded by a threatening barrier storm in a “mystical world.”

SCORE: 5.0

TOTAL: (4.0+4.0+5)/3= 4.3

[FoxxGlove]

Technical:
The most glaring technical aspect is the switching of tenses. Unfortunately, it throws the reader out of the moment. Otherwise, I found no spelling errors and the whole piece has a nice flow to it.
2.25

Artistic:
Some lovely descriptive turns of phrase which provide engaging images. However (and I will be the first to admit that I'm no expert on this aspect of writing, often falling victim to it myself), there seems to be an awful lot of tell and not much show. I'm left wondering why Abdim is out there on the waters, which he has apparently been warned are treacherous. There's really not a lot to latch onto in that respect. On a more positive note, I find the "red" references rather intriguing. Overall, in my opinion, this had something of a mythological flavor.
2.50

Prompt:
There is an air of abandonment at the conclusion of the entry and thus, in a sense, Abdim is abandoned (washed up) in a desolate land. The "lone explorer" aspect is somewhat present in that he is out on the ocean alone and is presumably undergoing some form of search or why would he venture into such dangerous waters? I think I'm going to be flexible on this detail given my interpretation of the story's intent.
4.25

TOTAL:
3.00

[pelwrath]

Abdim, was a young and courageous man, was but lookinged at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon, with fear and uncertainty. His boat was oscillating being tossed to and fro with the strong winds and ferocious waves. however, He somehow manages to keep the boat afloat still. He is in the middle of nowhere in the dark grey water with a tinge of red. He is now remembering the words of his friends who warned him to not come into the sea of Devil.

Boom!

A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision. Suddenly, a colossal and strong wave emerges out of blue. It is coming towards the boat. Abdim has tried to move the boat out of the way, but nothing much he can do. A strong hit hurls the boat and Abdim into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness. A while later, when he wakes up, he is lying on a red-crystal beach. A storm has been revolving around the island continuously and the island seems the eye of the cyclone. He not only finds an abandoned land but also a mystical world.

Technical Aspect: You have a nice opening and it might also be that English isn't your native language. The issue is more structure and word use. I'll give you kudos for that. Nice descriptions, and I was interested in Abdim. What made him ignore his friends advice? He has sailing experaince, yet did he ignore the signs of the appraoching cyclone? You do have a good start of a story here. I'm sure you can make the changes to improve it.
Score: 2


Artistic Aspect: A better job here.I was able to imagine Abdim in his boat, fighting the storm. All despite the language barrier. Where he wakes up is short but nicely done. Please do continue with this story.
Score: 2.5


Prompt Use: It's there but what you have is more about the struggle against the storm, which though good, isn't what the prompt is.
Score: 3.5


Final score: 2 + 2.5 + 3.5=8/3=2.67


 

[Alatariel]

Technical Aspects:

I do like the tone, it feels like a story being told around a fire with old-fashioned language and cadence. If that's your intention, lean into it, but beware of tense changes and word choices. These are still essential so we get the story told to us in a way that's relatable and strong. To care about a character and their situation, we need to feel what they are feeling and the best way to do that is by showing us his emotional reactions to the actions taking place.

Jun 18, 2022 11:49:40 GMT -6 Caulder Melhaire said:

Abdim, a young and courageous man, (this interjection is why it feels like a verbal story being told to us by a secondary narrator, if that's not the intention then I would take this out and instead show us these attributes in the story itself) was (the rest of the story seems to be in present tense so I'd change this to "is") looking at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon with fear and uncertainty (show us how this manifests itself with some kind of physical reaction/description. Something like "as fear curdles in his gut like sour milk" or "as uncertainty makes his palms slick with cold sweat".) . His boat was oscillating (to keep it in present tense, change to "oscillates) to and fro with the strong winds and ferocious waves (this is a strong word choice for a boat that only oscilates, I'd think if the waves were ferocious, Abdim would be fighting to keep the boat from capsizing); however, he somehow manages to keep the boat still (kind of a throw away line that takes away from the tension, we have ferocious waves but it poses no danger. I'd rather see him actively fighting against the waves to save his life). He is in the middle of nowhere in the dark grey water with a tinge of red. He is now remembering the words of his friends who warned him to not come into the sea of Devil (Sea of the Devil).
Boom!
A deafening thunder instilled (tense change: instills) a fear that swept (sweeps) across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision (He curses his decision - change from passive to active). Suddenly, a colossal and strong wave emerges out of blue. It is coming towards the boat (It comes toward the boat - change from passive to active voice). Abdim has tried tries to move the boat out of the way, but nothing much he can do. A strong hit hurls the boat and Abdim hurl into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness. A while later, when he wakes up, he is lying lays on a red-crystal beach. A storm has been revolving revolves around the island continuously PERIOD. and the island seems is in the eye of the cyclone. He not only finds an abandoned land but also and a mystical world.

So, I'd take out any extra words that bog down the flow/pacing. There's a lot of author intrusion like saying "a while later", "however", and "nothing much he can do". These are weak and take away the immediacy of the situation and pull us from the story. Don't give the reader a break, keep amping it up and make it seem like it's happening now. Choose strong words and try not to use "seems like" too much because it feels wishy-washy. Word on keeping the same tense throughout the piece, is this happening in the present or past? 

2

Artistic Elements:

As I said previously, I like the idea behind this being in the style of a parable or fable. It does need some consistency, though. We still want strong word choices. Since this is a high stakes situation (battling a storm), we want it to move quickly and for the pacing to be increased with each new obstacle. We need more insight into the character's emotional state and his ability to handle this or not. Every time there's danger, the tension is quickly dissipated by lines like "he manages to keep the boat still" or "he wakes on a red-crystal beach" or "the island is in the eye of the storm". So we see danger- ferocious waves, a massive storm, the possibility of drowning...and then nothing much comes of it. The character is merely a pawn and moving along without any strong feelings about the situation. Remember to draw us in by showing us this through the eyes of the main character. That way, we care more and want to find out what happens. Is he injured? Is he terrified? Does he have a family waiting for his safe return? I don't know. I want to know.

2

Prompt:

He is a lone explorer I think, though I'm not really sure WHY he's on the Sea of the Devil since that's never told to us. He finds a deserted island...but is it deserted? That's a quick assumption on his part since he's only on the beach and hasn't yet explored it. But...he's abandoned. 

3

TOTAL: 

2.3

[Bird]

Jun 18, 2022 11:49:40 GMT -6 Caulder Melhaire said:

Title: A Mystical World

Genre: Fantasy


Abdim, a young and courageous man, was looking at the giant cyclone rising on the horizon with fear and uncertainty. His boat was oscillating to and fro with the strong winds and ferocious waves; however, he somehow manages to keep the boat still. He is in the middle of nowhere in the dark grey water with a tinge of red. He is now remembering the words of his friends who warned him to not come into the sea of Devil.
Boom!
A deafening thunder instilled a fear that swept across his body up and down. Now he is cursing his decision. Suddenly, a colossal and strong wave emerges out of blue. It is coming towards the boat. Abdim has tried to move the boat out of the way, but nothing much he can do. A strong hit hurls the boat and Abdim into the deep grey ocean, and into the unconsciousness. A while later, when he wakes up, he is lying on a red-crystal beach. A storm has been revolving around the island continuously and the island seems the eye of the cyclone. He not only finds an abandoned land but also a mystical world.

Technical:

Okay, so I marked in red the verbs whose tenses are inconsistent. Some are past tense and some are present. When writing a story, especially a hook, we should try to keep to a specific tense. Past tense is the most common approach to stories.  Present tense can give the story's atmosphere a more intense and immediate feel, so if you wish to cultivate that atmosphere, then use present tense. That would only give you three verbs to change: "was looking," "was oscillating," and "instilled."  If you chose past tense, that gives you 14 verbs to change (the three past tense once I identified prior you could leave as is). I'd personally suggest altering the three past tense ones to present tense to make it easier for your revisions.

The word "now" is an unnecessary word. Better to remove it.

Try to avoid too much passive tense. Any verb starting with "is" is passive. For example, instead of "was oscillating" use "oscillates" or "pitches back and forth."  Instead of "is remembering," use "remembers." This will improve the flow and give the action more intensity. It will help root the reader in your scene as well.

When joining two sentences with an "and" be sure to put a comma before the "and." For example: "A storm has been revolving around the island continuously, and the island seems to be the eye of the cyclone."  (I added in "to be" as seems can't function in this sentence without it.) You'd only drop the comma if the subject of the second sentence is the same subject as the first (if that was so, then you could drop the subject of the second sentence.) 

Place a comma between adjective such as "deep, grey."

Score: 2

Artistic:

I admit, I had to read this six times to process it. It reads more like a synopsis, and I struggled to feel present in the scene with Abdim. Some of this can be fixed with what I suggested in Technical. Others require adjusting the verbs and nouns used to more precise words, which requires a bit of imagination and a thesaurus.

The mood of the piece feels detached due to the use of too much passive tense; when the writer over uses the verb 'to be' that slows down the writing and gives the piece a detached mood. Using more active verbs pushes the reader into the feel and mood of the character and what the character experiences.

Another thing to consider is flow. Passive and Active verbs affect flow but so do conjunctions (when two or more sentences are combined). When too many sentences are combined with conjunctions, that slows the flow of the piece, which can give a slightly removed feel. Think of it like this: when the camera zooms out to take in the landscape in a film -- that is what longer sentences with many conjunctions connecting them feels like. To zoom the camera in, the film focuses on one particular action/character. So for writing, that is where you cut up the sentences more. Have more sentences standing on their own. Less conjunctions.

I hope that helps!

Score: 2

Prompt:

Abdim is alone in the boat. I guess the storm abandons him to the island. So I can stretch the prompt to fit this.

Score: 4

Final Score: 2.66666666666666666666666666667